Infidelity is one of the most heart-wrenching problems a marriage can face because it shakes the base of trust on which relationships are built. However, it is not inevitable that all couples divorce after such an event. It is natural that couples have a hard time to re-connect and re-build trust that they lost as a result of one partner’s infidelity. Working together with a relationship advice counselor, many couples find the power they need to heal and move forward in their marriage.
The act of ‘cheating’ may take many forms, and each couple has their own definition of when the line is crossed. One on end of the spectrum, some partners consider flirtatious behavior or looking at pornography as stepping outside the bounds of their marriage. Others consider an emotional connection with another person to be damaging to the marriage. Most everyone would agree that an attraction to another person leading to sexual relations constitutes infidelity. The bottom line, however, in all these situations is that one partner engages in secret behavior that compels them to lie and be deceptive.
A relationship advice counselor can help bridge that gaping hole in trust and communication caused by the affair. While the offended partner needs to express their feelings of insecurity and hurt, often a counselor will move quickly through the details of the infidelity. Dwelling too long on the details will only instill an increased sense of blame and continued resentment. Instead, couples seeking help as a result of one partner breaching trust need to look forward and learn how to re-connect.
Re-building trust is not easy, but a god relationship expert can guide a hurting couple through the process. Each partner will need to learn how to express emotions in a manner that is both healthy and constructive. A counselor may suggest some ground rules that couples can use for communicating during intense emotional times.
These rules may include:
Discuss only one problem at a time. While it might seem that all your problems are inter-connected, don’t let the conversation escalate by tackling them all at once.
Own your perspective. Avoid getting caught in a blame game by starting your sentences with the phrase, “I feel.”
Be specific. Move the conversation forward by avoiding over-generalizations like “always” and “never.” Give concrete examples instead of vague complaints to show your perspective.
Take a time out. If the conversation gets too intense and you are having trouble staying in control of your reactions, it’s OK to take a break. Just tell your partner that you need a moment to walk around and compose yourself.
A relationship advice expert acts as a neutral party and can help both marriage partners feel safe in expressing themselves without needing to employ ‘power plays’ or using anger to have their perspective heard. The counseling environment promotes open communication and problem solving that can help re-build a sense of emotional intimacy between marital partners. When a couple can re-connect emotionally, with the help of a good coach, they are one step closer to regaining their physical connection.
****************************
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA. Tel 717-943.0959 Online Psychologist and Life Coach: Marriage Counseling, Relationship Advice and Management Consulting. Online Counseling and Small Business Advice
online counseling
online marriage counseling
family counseling
life coach
Small Business Advice
Showing posts with label Online Marriage Counseling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Online Marriage Counseling. Show all posts
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
There is Hope for Abused Wives
On more than one occasion I have been contacted by a partner in a relationship who thought there could be some instant ‘magic’ solution to their relationship problems. As an Online Marriage Counseling provider I regularly come across people who think that the solution to their marital problems is a click, call or just an email away.
Well, there is no ‘cook-book’ Relationship Advice solution for an unhealthy abusive relationship.
Being involved in a relationship that has reached the point where it’s a constant cycle of abuse is not healthy for either partner and unfortunately there is no ‘quick-fix’ for this type of situation. Long term Marriage Counseling with a certified Psychologist is usually required. When R. contacted me about her personal situation it seemed that she was searching for just such a ‘quick-fix’ solution.
R. was in a marriage that had, by the time she contacted me, almost completely come undone. Here in her own words are the details of her relationship: “My husband says constant insults and does a lot of name calling. It has gotten physical at one point; he said that I provoked him. I am constantly being reminded of working it out. But in the process, I feel myself weakening emotionally because there is no time for me to heal. He apologizes, but eventually he just does the same things again anyway.”
I informed R’ that verbal abuse, from a Psychologist point of view, is just like any other addiction. It is a serious problem that has many explanations, theories and treatment approaches. My treatment method focuses on the concept that everything relates to the relationship: either the relationship between the individual and his ‘self’, the self esteem issue, or towards his spouse.
My basic understanding of any marital relationship always takes me first to each one of the partners. Only thereafter I assess the relationship that the partners have with one another. In cases involving excessive verbal abuse it can be, for both the giver and receiver, an almost addictive quality and like any addiction it can lead down an ever escalating path.
I further went on to explain to R. that as the abuse had started to escalate, both partners need professional help, since the 'relationship issue' is complex and not simple to solve and fix. There is no quick-fix solution, I again reminded her; Marriage Counseling is definitely required. As a long time Psychologist I tend not to provide direct answers, but facilitate the process of empowering my clients, allowing them to boost their ability and produce the desired outcome. “You need to transform both your life as well as your marital lifestyle” I told her. Whether you call it a Relationship Advice or Life Coach mentoring or Marriage Counseling you and your partner need to seek long term continuous help!
I further went on to address the areas of focus that the Marriage Counseling would begin with and expand upon. There were three major ‘learning and change’ missions for which I identified:
A. Your husband - should assess and change his value system and perceptions, habits, culturally accepted behaviors and also his stress related reactions.
B. You - should asses your tolerance level, and change towards the ability to be strong in order to say and act “No More”.
C. You both - should assess and change parts of your marital lifestyle in order to find more common grounds and shared positive experiences.
.......................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Online Marriage Counseling and Relationship Advice And Life Coach Online Counseling And Small Business Advice
Well, there is no ‘cook-book’ Relationship Advice solution for an unhealthy abusive relationship.
Being involved in a relationship that has reached the point where it’s a constant cycle of abuse is not healthy for either partner and unfortunately there is no ‘quick-fix’ for this type of situation. Long term Marriage Counseling with a certified Psychologist is usually required. When R. contacted me about her personal situation it seemed that she was searching for just such a ‘quick-fix’ solution.
R. was in a marriage that had, by the time she contacted me, almost completely come undone. Here in her own words are the details of her relationship: “My husband says constant insults and does a lot of name calling. It has gotten physical at one point; he said that I provoked him. I am constantly being reminded of working it out. But in the process, I feel myself weakening emotionally because there is no time for me to heal. He apologizes, but eventually he just does the same things again anyway.”
I informed R’ that verbal abuse, from a Psychologist point of view, is just like any other addiction. It is a serious problem that has many explanations, theories and treatment approaches. My treatment method focuses on the concept that everything relates to the relationship: either the relationship between the individual and his ‘self’, the self esteem issue, or towards his spouse.
My basic understanding of any marital relationship always takes me first to each one of the partners. Only thereafter I assess the relationship that the partners have with one another. In cases involving excessive verbal abuse it can be, for both the giver and receiver, an almost addictive quality and like any addiction it can lead down an ever escalating path.
I further went on to explain to R. that as the abuse had started to escalate, both partners need professional help, since the 'relationship issue' is complex and not simple to solve and fix. There is no quick-fix solution, I again reminded her; Marriage Counseling is definitely required. As a long time Psychologist I tend not to provide direct answers, but facilitate the process of empowering my clients, allowing them to boost their ability and produce the desired outcome. “You need to transform both your life as well as your marital lifestyle” I told her. Whether you call it a Relationship Advice or Life Coach mentoring or Marriage Counseling you and your partner need to seek long term continuous help!
I further went on to address the areas of focus that the Marriage Counseling would begin with and expand upon. There were three major ‘learning and change’ missions for which I identified:
A. Your husband - should assess and change his value system and perceptions, habits, culturally accepted behaviors and also his stress related reactions.
B. You - should asses your tolerance level, and change towards the ability to be strong in order to say and act “No More”.
C. You both - should assess and change parts of your marital lifestyle in order to find more common grounds and shared positive experiences.
.......................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Online Marriage Counseling and Relationship Advice And Life Coach Online Counseling And Small Business Advice
Monday, May 18, 2009
Online Marriage Counseling: The Empty Nest Needs Adjustment
As every couple knows there are many different stages in any relationship. Sometimes when a couple enters into a new stage of their relationship it can become very difficult to maintain an open and healthy line of communication. Through every phase of any relationship the ability to communicate is essential. Sometimes as the relationship grows and moves forward into the next stage the partners in the relationship seem to grow apart. This was the situation that J. had reached when she decided to contact me, searching for an Online Marriage Counselor service.
J. and her husband had been married for about 21 years. Recently both of their children had gone off to college moving out of the house to live on campus. Here is her situation in her own words as she described them to me through our initial Online Counseling session: “I am trying to figure out how to communicate better with my husband. I don’t know if it’s me or him. My husband is a picky type person so I have to make sure things are taken care of, including him. Greet him at the door, be home before him, dinner on time, bring him his plate etc. It’s getting tiring, but he is a wonderful person and a joy to be around when he is not agitated at something.” J. explained.
J. continued with some of the family background at this point. She explained how her relationship had been closer with their children although her husband did seem to enjoy spending time with them as well. She explained the recent situation just before the children went off to college. “Our son has had some health problems this year that I have been helping him with that, working full time, and taking care of our home.”
Since her children had gone off to college their relationship had become strained. J. thought perhaps it might be empty-nest syndrome. I advised J. that it could indeed be empty-nest syndrome but that I needed a little more information before I could make any assumptions as a Psychologist or Life Coach. I asked J. more about her current situation.
“Something sets it off and it just escalates from there. Usually it’s something silly like ‘Why did I only get $30.00 worth of gas instead of filling it up?’ He has said it’s not fun when he comes home anymore just things need to be done. He doesn’t do them though. He just gets on the computer and I don’t think he realizes how much he is on it. After our most recent argument he ended up leaving and driving for two hours and was ready to call it quits. I made him talk until 4am. We have been really good in our relationship until just recently.” She confided in me.
As our introductory Online Counseling session came to a close J. asked me for some Relationship Advice regarding her situation. I advised J. that I felt her relationship could be turned into a healthy one again if we could open up the lines of communication again. I advised her that to begin the process there were two situations that we should explore further.
As a Psychologist I informed her that. “It could indeed be empty-nest syndrome but that there were many more aspects of the relationship that needed to be explored before I could offer any real Relationship Advice. There are many “MALE’ things that are related to that life period; family restructuring issues, loosing the sense of mission, missing the ability to control others, the weakening of their leadership status while the wife’s position begins strengthening in the family and so on. However I informed her that at the current time I didn’t have enough information to get a full view of the situation.”
Many other things, I told her, are related to the "Age Factor" and the perceived “Quality" of previous and current relationship. J. had not included the sex topic yet in our Online Counseling dialogue and males are very sensitive about that aspect of a relationship.
I also offered J. an alternative to empty-nest syndrome for her to consider, looking at another theoretical ground and potential explanation: the Push-Pull theory. Generally speaking the concept holds that most deviations from a relationship is not because the person is being pulled (attracted) to a new circumstance or a relationship but mainly because he or she perceives that they are being pushed away from their current one.
Marriage Counseling was recommended and accepted; as always, good assessment became the key to a workable solution that helped this marriage relationship to go again into harmony.
............................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Online Marriage Counseling and Relationship Advice And Life Coach Online Counseling
J. and her husband had been married for about 21 years. Recently both of their children had gone off to college moving out of the house to live on campus. Here is her situation in her own words as she described them to me through our initial Online Counseling session: “I am trying to figure out how to communicate better with my husband. I don’t know if it’s me or him. My husband is a picky type person so I have to make sure things are taken care of, including him. Greet him at the door, be home before him, dinner on time, bring him his plate etc. It’s getting tiring, but he is a wonderful person and a joy to be around when he is not agitated at something.” J. explained.
J. continued with some of the family background at this point. She explained how her relationship had been closer with their children although her husband did seem to enjoy spending time with them as well. She explained the recent situation just before the children went off to college. “Our son has had some health problems this year that I have been helping him with that, working full time, and taking care of our home.”
Since her children had gone off to college their relationship had become strained. J. thought perhaps it might be empty-nest syndrome. I advised J. that it could indeed be empty-nest syndrome but that I needed a little more information before I could make any assumptions as a Psychologist or Life Coach. I asked J. more about her current situation.
“Something sets it off and it just escalates from there. Usually it’s something silly like ‘Why did I only get $30.00 worth of gas instead of filling it up?’ He has said it’s not fun when he comes home anymore just things need to be done. He doesn’t do them though. He just gets on the computer and I don’t think he realizes how much he is on it. After our most recent argument he ended up leaving and driving for two hours and was ready to call it quits. I made him talk until 4am. We have been really good in our relationship until just recently.” She confided in me.
As our introductory Online Counseling session came to a close J. asked me for some Relationship Advice regarding her situation. I advised J. that I felt her relationship could be turned into a healthy one again if we could open up the lines of communication again. I advised her that to begin the process there were two situations that we should explore further.
As a Psychologist I informed her that. “It could indeed be empty-nest syndrome but that there were many more aspects of the relationship that needed to be explored before I could offer any real Relationship Advice. There are many “MALE’ things that are related to that life period; family restructuring issues, loosing the sense of mission, missing the ability to control others, the weakening of their leadership status while the wife’s position begins strengthening in the family and so on. However I informed her that at the current time I didn’t have enough information to get a full view of the situation.”
Many other things, I told her, are related to the "Age Factor" and the perceived “Quality" of previous and current relationship. J. had not included the sex topic yet in our Online Counseling dialogue and males are very sensitive about that aspect of a relationship.
I also offered J. an alternative to empty-nest syndrome for her to consider, looking at another theoretical ground and potential explanation: the Push-Pull theory. Generally speaking the concept holds that most deviations from a relationship is not because the person is being pulled (attracted) to a new circumstance or a relationship but mainly because he or she perceives that they are being pushed away from their current one.
Marriage Counseling was recommended and accepted; as always, good assessment became the key to a workable solution that helped this marriage relationship to go again into harmony.
............................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Online Marriage Counseling and Relationship Advice And Life Coach Online Counseling
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Online Counseling Psychologist Assessment: Empower Yourself First, Deal with Your Marriage Later
“My husband had been physically and emotionally abusive since even before we married. I think I became addicted to the drama of it.” These were the first words that K. told me during our initial Online Counseling session. “At night when our children sleep I would feel trapped unable to leave without waking them and risk letting them knows what was happening.” She continued.
Sometimes, as a Marriage Counselor, the most important thing to do is listening. Couples or individuals come to you hoping to find a kind voice and an open ear. K. seemed very much at this point where she just needed someone she could talk to. As a Psychologist, it is understood that this is an excellent place to be at as it reveals a self-realization about ones self and the situation they’re in.
As K. Continued to talk about her relationship I listened closely and supportively to what she had to say: “My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years. This is my second marriage and his first. Over the course of 8 or so years there have been probably 50 or so incidents of physical aggression from him just shoving me up to him actually repeatedly hitting me. Many times this would occur after he had been drinking. Numerous times he would even go out on a drinking binge after work and just not come home.” K., in a somewhat shaky voice continued to tell me.
As K. spoke she seemed to relax slightly. I visualized her as someone who after a long hard period of traveling was able to take off their load and relieve themselves of a heavy burden. Soon she continued with her story becoming more at ease as she went. “I am ashamed to admit my main reason for not divorcing is money. I also feel a little ashamed that this would be my second divorce and I worry about how that would affect our children.” K. confided in me. “I deeply loved my husband when we were first married. I still love him and worry about him if we divorce. I don't know how to be in love with him anymore and I don't know how to want it to work like he seems to want. I don't know why I can't pull the trigger and just end it, or suck it up and take him back and try again.” K. told me.
At this point although I knew most of the details concerning the history of the abusive relationship I was not sure I completely understood the current context of this marriage. “Are you and your husband still together?” I inquired. “He… ah, he moved out a week ago and went to live with a friend.” She answered me in a somewhat quieter voice. K., I said, there was no good ‘quick fix’ reply for your situation. Quite honestly, there was no simple solution to such a very complex situation like yours. I advised her that Marriage Counseling that take some weeks and months, was very much needed if there was to be any chance of her relationship building itself back together again.
Internally I had numerous questions rushing through my head. Many, I knew would have to wait for the appropriate time. I did have one question, as a Marriage Counselor, that absolutely needed to be answered before we could continue to go any further: Do the both of you, do you think, want to try to make the relationship work? I asked her. I needed to see how much, if any, motivation was still left with K. and her estranged husband long experience. “I, I just don’t know. I mean I want to try to make it work, it’s what’s best for the kids I think.” She answered me. I listened to what she DID NOT SAY; she did not mention HERSELF. I then new that K. was not yet ready… Another process had to be called for, prior to ant Marriage Counseling attempt.
I therefore assured K. that since I’m not a lawyer, I was not going to replace her decision making process and try to produce the answers for her. As a Psychologist and a Life Coach it was my place to try to facilitate the process of EMPOWERING her decision making ability, allowing her to boost HER ability to produce the best possible outcome through HER own personal choices and decisions. It was my job therefore to help her continue on the path she had herself finally chosen to start. She needed to continue on her journey of Self-Actualization and that I could help her to achieve that goal.
I advised K., that it was my opinion; that prior to re-constructing her marriage / family life she need first to start a dialogue with herself and only thereafter with her husband. This situation that she found herself in definitely required an on-going professional Marriage Counseling but the relationship issues were just too complex and she was too weak. I wanted to make certain that she understood therefore that a one time detailed Relationship Advice (free or as a paid service) would not be the right remedy.
Through an ongoing Online Marriage Counseling program, including both joint and individual sessions, K. and her husband managed to reconcile and were able to have a much more fulfilling and nurturing family and personal relationship.
..........................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Relationship Advice And Online Marriage Counseling
Sometimes, as a Marriage Counselor, the most important thing to do is listening. Couples or individuals come to you hoping to find a kind voice and an open ear. K. seemed very much at this point where she just needed someone she could talk to. As a Psychologist, it is understood that this is an excellent place to be at as it reveals a self-realization about ones self and the situation they’re in.
As K. Continued to talk about her relationship I listened closely and supportively to what she had to say: “My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years. This is my second marriage and his first. Over the course of 8 or so years there have been probably 50 or so incidents of physical aggression from him just shoving me up to him actually repeatedly hitting me. Many times this would occur after he had been drinking. Numerous times he would even go out on a drinking binge after work and just not come home.” K., in a somewhat shaky voice continued to tell me.
As K. spoke she seemed to relax slightly. I visualized her as someone who after a long hard period of traveling was able to take off their load and relieve themselves of a heavy burden. Soon she continued with her story becoming more at ease as she went. “I am ashamed to admit my main reason for not divorcing is money. I also feel a little ashamed that this would be my second divorce and I worry about how that would affect our children.” K. confided in me. “I deeply loved my husband when we were first married. I still love him and worry about him if we divorce. I don't know how to be in love with him anymore and I don't know how to want it to work like he seems to want. I don't know why I can't pull the trigger and just end it, or suck it up and take him back and try again.” K. told me.
At this point although I knew most of the details concerning the history of the abusive relationship I was not sure I completely understood the current context of this marriage. “Are you and your husband still together?” I inquired. “He… ah, he moved out a week ago and went to live with a friend.” She answered me in a somewhat quieter voice. K., I said, there was no good ‘quick fix’ reply for your situation. Quite honestly, there was no simple solution to such a very complex situation like yours. I advised her that Marriage Counseling that take some weeks and months, was very much needed if there was to be any chance of her relationship building itself back together again.
Internally I had numerous questions rushing through my head. Many, I knew would have to wait for the appropriate time. I did have one question, as a Marriage Counselor, that absolutely needed to be answered before we could continue to go any further: Do the both of you, do you think, want to try to make the relationship work? I asked her. I needed to see how much, if any, motivation was still left with K. and her estranged husband long experience. “I, I just don’t know. I mean I want to try to make it work, it’s what’s best for the kids I think.” She answered me. I listened to what she DID NOT SAY; she did not mention HERSELF. I then new that K. was not yet ready… Another process had to be called for, prior to ant Marriage Counseling attempt.
I therefore assured K. that since I’m not a lawyer, I was not going to replace her decision making process and try to produce the answers for her. As a Psychologist and a Life Coach it was my place to try to facilitate the process of EMPOWERING her decision making ability, allowing her to boost HER ability to produce the best possible outcome through HER own personal choices and decisions. It was my job therefore to help her continue on the path she had herself finally chosen to start. She needed to continue on her journey of Self-Actualization and that I could help her to achieve that goal.
I advised K., that it was my opinion; that prior to re-constructing her marriage / family life she need first to start a dialogue with herself and only thereafter with her husband. This situation that she found herself in definitely required an on-going professional Marriage Counseling but the relationship issues were just too complex and she was too weak. I wanted to make certain that she understood therefore that a one time detailed Relationship Advice (free or as a paid service) would not be the right remedy.
Through an ongoing Online Marriage Counseling program, including both joint and individual sessions, K. and her husband managed to reconcile and were able to have a much more fulfilling and nurturing family and personal relationship.
..........................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Relationship Advice And Online Marriage Counseling
The Marriage Counseling Relationship Advice: Male Partners Must Do It Too
As a Psychologist an understanding of behavior and providing Relationship Advice is what allows me to help people work through their troubles. Helping people to adjust their behaviors and better their relationships is one of life’s greatest rewards. It can be just the smallest thing or even just the slightest change in behavior which will allow them to have a more fulfilling and stronger relationship.
Through Online Marriage Counseling I get to observe, first hand, these changes and watch relationships blossom and become more fruitful. Seeing Relationship Advice or a long term Marriage Counseling process resulting successfully for a couple is a very heart-warming and it amazes me that sometimes it is the smallest of changes the bring about the most fulfilling results.
This was the case with J. who recently contacted me about some problems that had developed in her relationship. The development was not a new one, it had been inherent for quite some time and she had just finally reached the point where she couldn’t stand it any longer. “My husband thinks because he has a job and provides money that when he gets home from work he doesn't have to do anything.”
“I am not his freaking maid! It’s not my job to clean up his mess all the time.” J. angrily complained to me. Her voice seethingly bared all of her pent up frustration. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears from her built up frustration.
I had J. pause here for a moment. Many times when people come to Online Counseling the first time they are, understandably so, overcome with emotion. I therefore advised J., “collect yourself and your thoughts for a moment; then continue.” J took a couple of deep breathes and then noticeably calmer began to tell me about her situation.
“He gets home from work, takes his boots and socks off and just leaves his dirty laundry right in the middle of the living room. Even when I did have a job he still never helped around the house. He comes home all the time complaining cause the house is dirty. I do clean up but I have a 2-year-old that just make messes again. My husband thinks that I should follow my 2-year-old around the house all day cleaning up her mess and if I don't I am a bad mother.”
I couldn’t help but notice her using the possessive term “I” here. Wanting to make sure I fully understood the situation I inquired about it. “Is the two year old his?”
J. told me. “No, it’s mine from a previous relationship.” I advised J. to continue her story.
“I do work at home. I do daycare watching a 4 month old right now. Also I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning and the laundry. He gets home and does nothing!” Her voice is faltering slightly giving way to her agitation.
J. finishes up her explanation of her current situation by relating to me two distinct instances that expressed her growing frustration about the issues she has with her husband. “He is supposed to fold the laundry but can’t even manage that. I wash the laundry and put it on the counter so he can fold it later. It just sits there! I even told him I wasn't washing anymore of his laundry until he folds the laundry on the counter. He still refused and called me lazy.”
“After I cook dinner, I expect him to load the dishwasher. Most times I end up waking up in the morning and having to load it after he goes off to work. There are days where I’ll just let the dishes stack up. When he asks, “What’s for dinner?” I tell him, “Well since I have no dishes to cook on, nothing.” He ends up just ordering pizza or going to a fast food place and the dishes still just sit there.”
When J. finished her initial observation of her situation, she asked a question I found to be very curious. “Is there a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?”
I wanted to get a little more information from J. So I turned the question around and asked her. “Do you think there is a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?”
J. replied. “I don’t think there’s any reason a guy can’t help around the house. Most of the guys I know don’t though. My friend’s boyfriends, my father and brothers and my previous boyfriend, they didn’t help around the house at all. None of them. I don’t get it.” She concluded.
From a Psychologist perspective, I offered my professional point of view: we could assume that this is his way to show dominance and control. A related explanation is that this is his way to retaliate about something that he felt was unfair to him and a common way of doing so employs the ‘Passive-Aggressive’ mode. These are too far away speculations, I said, so we have to gather more information; but let us assume that this is the case here. If indeed so, do not worry, I continued: marriage is a reciprocal chain of behaviors. Something within one spouse’s actions triggers the others, which means that you can do things that would effect and change your husband’s behavioral pattern.
The ground for a mutual Marriage Counseling work was established. My professional Psychologist assessment triggered the husband to join and participate in a structured Online Marriage Counseling process. No, it was not a quick-fix Relationship Advice; but yes, it was done within less than two months; only six counseling sessions were needed in order for them to move into a different, happier and more equality fulfilling lifestyle.
.................................................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Relationship Advice And Online Marriage Counseling
Through Online Marriage Counseling I get to observe, first hand, these changes and watch relationships blossom and become more fruitful. Seeing Relationship Advice or a long term Marriage Counseling process resulting successfully for a couple is a very heart-warming and it amazes me that sometimes it is the smallest of changes the bring about the most fulfilling results.
This was the case with J. who recently contacted me about some problems that had developed in her relationship. The development was not a new one, it had been inherent for quite some time and she had just finally reached the point where she couldn’t stand it any longer. “My husband thinks because he has a job and provides money that when he gets home from work he doesn't have to do anything.”
“I am not his freaking maid! It’s not my job to clean up his mess all the time.” J. angrily complained to me. Her voice seethingly bared all of her pent up frustration. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears from her built up frustration.
I had J. pause here for a moment. Many times when people come to Online Counseling the first time they are, understandably so, overcome with emotion. I therefore advised J., “collect yourself and your thoughts for a moment; then continue.” J took a couple of deep breathes and then noticeably calmer began to tell me about her situation.
“He gets home from work, takes his boots and socks off and just leaves his dirty laundry right in the middle of the living room. Even when I did have a job he still never helped around the house. He comes home all the time complaining cause the house is dirty. I do clean up but I have a 2-year-old that just make messes again. My husband thinks that I should follow my 2-year-old around the house all day cleaning up her mess and if I don't I am a bad mother.”
I couldn’t help but notice her using the possessive term “I” here. Wanting to make sure I fully understood the situation I inquired about it. “Is the two year old his?”
J. told me. “No, it’s mine from a previous relationship.” I advised J. to continue her story.
“I do work at home. I do daycare watching a 4 month old right now. Also I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning and the laundry. He gets home and does nothing!” Her voice is faltering slightly giving way to her agitation.
J. finishes up her explanation of her current situation by relating to me two distinct instances that expressed her growing frustration about the issues she has with her husband. “He is supposed to fold the laundry but can’t even manage that. I wash the laundry and put it on the counter so he can fold it later. It just sits there! I even told him I wasn't washing anymore of his laundry until he folds the laundry on the counter. He still refused and called me lazy.”
“After I cook dinner, I expect him to load the dishwasher. Most times I end up waking up in the morning and having to load it after he goes off to work. There are days where I’ll just let the dishes stack up. When he asks, “What’s for dinner?” I tell him, “Well since I have no dishes to cook on, nothing.” He ends up just ordering pizza or going to a fast food place and the dishes still just sit there.”
When J. finished her initial observation of her situation, she asked a question I found to be very curious. “Is there a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?”
I wanted to get a little more information from J. So I turned the question around and asked her. “Do you think there is a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?”
J. replied. “I don’t think there’s any reason a guy can’t help around the house. Most of the guys I know don’t though. My friend’s boyfriends, my father and brothers and my previous boyfriend, they didn’t help around the house at all. None of them. I don’t get it.” She concluded.
From a Psychologist perspective, I offered my professional point of view: we could assume that this is his way to show dominance and control. A related explanation is that this is his way to retaliate about something that he felt was unfair to him and a common way of doing so employs the ‘Passive-Aggressive’ mode. These are too far away speculations, I said, so we have to gather more information; but let us assume that this is the case here. If indeed so, do not worry, I continued: marriage is a reciprocal chain of behaviors. Something within one spouse’s actions triggers the others, which means that you can do things that would effect and change your husband’s behavioral pattern.
The ground for a mutual Marriage Counseling work was established. My professional Psychologist assessment triggered the husband to join and participate in a structured Online Marriage Counseling process. No, it was not a quick-fix Relationship Advice; but yes, it was done within less than two months; only six counseling sessions were needed in order for them to move into a different, happier and more equality fulfilling lifestyle.
.................................................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Relationship Advice And Online Marriage Counseling
The Psychologist Dilemma: Marriage Counseling issue or Sexual deviant topic?
This article summarizes the initial stage of an Online Marriage Counseling process.
Recently I was contacted by N. that told me she had been in what she thought was a great marriage for several years. During those years her husband regularly spent usually 3 nights out every week that were “work related”. Eventually after several years N. grew suspicious of this behavior but was never able to catch him doing anything herself. Finally N. hired an investigator to follow him. The findings were that he would drive around all night and talk to many different women.
N. confronted her husband about his behavior and he confessed “I had been an exhibitionist for 20 years.” N. was shocked by her husband’s revelation. She decided to stay in her marriage until she recently felt like she had done everything she could to try to hold it together.
During the year since she confronted her husband they had tried very hard, together in the beginning, to make it work; they had attended local Marriage Counseling. However, after a few counseling sessions and support meetings her husband had quit going to the counseling session. “Dealing only with my problem cured me”, he said. Since the end of their Marriage Counseling sessions together there had been a few very suspicious occasions. The husband of course denied anything happened each time.
In a state of despair N. came to me and advised me: “I feel like he is a pervert.” This was eventually followed by her question: “Am I crazy to consider trying to go on with him at this point? Everyone in my life seems to think so”.
As a Psychologist I started thinking objectively. “What are the real issues occurring here?” N. of course was agitated and feeling despair about the whole situation but what was the underlying cause for it all. After a little more counseling time with N. it became obvious to me that the biggest issue for HER was the issue of trust. It seemed she felt she couldn’t truly trust her partner anymore. Trust is of course key in any relationship. But what was HIS issue?
It is my habit to finalize the initial Online Marriage Counseling session with a clear expression of my opinion at this particular time: it seems to me that his behavior is more of a Marriage issue than a Sexual deviant counseling topic. I further explained that what they really both needed was renewed Marriage Counseling; not just individual sex counseling for him. Actually, by keeping his behavior hidden, I suggested, he tried to save your marriage… Could it be that your husband did not trust you as a good listener for his relationship, erotic and sexual needs? This was indeed a suggestion and a way of understanding the issue that she never took it as worthwhile to consider.
The other theme that I advised to look at was the ‘motivation factor’: you need to let HIM make the effort of trying to rebuild the relationship, by dealing with his needs and sexual aspirations with you, I suggested. Either he agrees to start intensive and serious marriage counseling - or send him out of this marriage. I advised N. that she should not be the one putting forth all the effort.
The last issue in our initial session was the reservations due to the past attempt to solve the difficulty. They have tried Marriage Counseling in the past. I therefore explained that the previous effort went to a wrong direction – HIS deviance, and not THEIR relationships, communication and sexuality. That is why, I said, Marriage Counseling processes could be beneficial.
Recently I was contacted by N. that told me she had been in what she thought was a great marriage for several years. During those years her husband regularly spent usually 3 nights out every week that were “work related”. Eventually after several years N. grew suspicious of this behavior but was never able to catch him doing anything herself. Finally N. hired an investigator to follow him. The findings were that he would drive around all night and talk to many different women.
N. confronted her husband about his behavior and he confessed “I had been an exhibitionist for 20 years.” N. was shocked by her husband’s revelation. She decided to stay in her marriage until she recently felt like she had done everything she could to try to hold it together.
During the year since she confronted her husband they had tried very hard, together in the beginning, to make it work; they had attended local Marriage Counseling. However, after a few counseling sessions and support meetings her husband had quit going to the counseling session. “Dealing only with my problem cured me”, he said. Since the end of their Marriage Counseling sessions together there had been a few very suspicious occasions. The husband of course denied anything happened each time.
In a state of despair N. came to me and advised me: “I feel like he is a pervert.” This was eventually followed by her question: “Am I crazy to consider trying to go on with him at this point? Everyone in my life seems to think so”.
As a Psychologist I started thinking objectively. “What are the real issues occurring here?” N. of course was agitated and feeling despair about the whole situation but what was the underlying cause for it all. After a little more counseling time with N. it became obvious to me that the biggest issue for HER was the issue of trust. It seemed she felt she couldn’t truly trust her partner anymore. Trust is of course key in any relationship. But what was HIS issue?
It is my habit to finalize the initial Online Marriage Counseling session with a clear expression of my opinion at this particular time: it seems to me that his behavior is more of a Marriage issue than a Sexual deviant counseling topic. I further explained that what they really both needed was renewed Marriage Counseling; not just individual sex counseling for him. Actually, by keeping his behavior hidden, I suggested, he tried to save your marriage… Could it be that your husband did not trust you as a good listener for his relationship, erotic and sexual needs? This was indeed a suggestion and a way of understanding the issue that she never took it as worthwhile to consider.
The other theme that I advised to look at was the ‘motivation factor’: you need to let HIM make the effort of trying to rebuild the relationship, by dealing with his needs and sexual aspirations with you, I suggested. Either he agrees to start intensive and serious marriage counseling - or send him out of this marriage. I advised N. that she should not be the one putting forth all the effort.
The last issue in our initial session was the reservations due to the past attempt to solve the difficulty. They have tried Marriage Counseling in the past. I therefore explained that the previous effort went to a wrong direction – HIS deviance, and not THEIR relationships, communication and sexuality. That is why, I said, Marriage Counseling processes could be beneficial.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Overactive Libido: Online Counseling Was Called For
A Case Summary: Overactive Libido
G. a recently married (for 7 months) young woman, approached my Online Counseling service since she was having issues dealing with her partner's constant desire for intimate companionship as well as his personal insecurities.
During our introductory session G. informed me that "He constantly badgers me about sex; we are intimate at least twice a week but it's not enough for him. He constantly sends me emails at work about wanting to see me naked or wanting to be intimate with me… when we're at home alone it's all he talks about." "It's gotten to the point where he can't even hug me without touching me in a sexual way and when I try to talk to him about it he takes it as rejection and just seems to shut down.
A different, very scary but related issue was then added: G told me that recently his adopted daughter had accused him of doing some 'horrible things' to her as a child. She was bothered and reflected that it definitely had affected their intimate relationship.
G. became very insecure and that was the underlying reason behind turning to seek a professional opinion: "I'm starting to wonder if what his daughter said is true…"
I started off by advising G. that a strong libido and continuous urge for frequent sex with a spouse does not necessarily indicate pathology or any other 'abnormal misbehavior'. Nevertheless, it clearly does create a lot of tension if the spouse's 'Tempos' are at different levels. Marriage Counseling therefore was called for, accompanied with individual sessions about personal and sexual issues. There was no "Quick Fix" type of a response for her since her issue involved both different value systems regarding affection and intimacy as well as unclear accusations regarding the past.
As a professional I could not comment on the adopted daughter's accusations, since there were no supportive information that I had an access to. Nevertheless, I did put my expertise to work there, informing her to be aware that things like that do happen, regardless of the male's intense sexual desire for his adult partner.
The Online Marriage Counseling process started to be effective in this case once we touched the issues that were causing the anxiety in their relationship: lack of proper communication, prior misinformed 'stories' about men and general inhibition regarding sexuality.
G. a recently married (for 7 months) young woman, approached my Online Counseling service since she was having issues dealing with her partner's constant desire for intimate companionship as well as his personal insecurities.
During our introductory session G. informed me that "He constantly badgers me about sex; we are intimate at least twice a week but it's not enough for him. He constantly sends me emails at work about wanting to see me naked or wanting to be intimate with me… when we're at home alone it's all he talks about." "It's gotten to the point where he can't even hug me without touching me in a sexual way and when I try to talk to him about it he takes it as rejection and just seems to shut down.
A different, very scary but related issue was then added: G told me that recently his adopted daughter had accused him of doing some 'horrible things' to her as a child. She was bothered and reflected that it definitely had affected their intimate relationship.
G. became very insecure and that was the underlying reason behind turning to seek a professional opinion: "I'm starting to wonder if what his daughter said is true…"
I started off by advising G. that a strong libido and continuous urge for frequent sex with a spouse does not necessarily indicate pathology or any other 'abnormal misbehavior'. Nevertheless, it clearly does create a lot of tension if the spouse's 'Tempos' are at different levels. Marriage Counseling therefore was called for, accompanied with individual sessions about personal and sexual issues. There was no "Quick Fix" type of a response for her since her issue involved both different value systems regarding affection and intimacy as well as unclear accusations regarding the past.
As a professional I could not comment on the adopted daughter's accusations, since there were no supportive information that I had an access to. Nevertheless, I did put my expertise to work there, informing her to be aware that things like that do happen, regardless of the male's intense sexual desire for his adult partner.
The Online Marriage Counseling process started to be effective in this case once we touched the issues that were causing the anxiety in their relationship: lack of proper communication, prior misinformed 'stories' about men and general inhibition regarding sexuality.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
