Here is another short article about Why Do I Do What I Do as a Marriage Counseling Professional?
An effective Psychologist, Relationship Advice provider, Life coach and Marriage Counseling practitioner (which means: help to bring a change), should always remember the first year in college, where the basic psychological principles were presented. Not all wheels could and should re-invent themselves. What do I do and why as a Marriage Counseling professional has a sound foundation, once basic Principles of Learning are applied.
Stage One - How It All Began:
Most human emotion and sex related interactions start due to an environmental condition that elicits a reflex response. A reflex is a simple unlearned response to a stimulus. In psychological textbook terms: once upon a time, when the two first met, there were: (1) an unconditioned stimulus—a stimulus that elicits a response without any prior learning, and (2) an unconditioned response—an unlearned reflexive reaction to that unconditioned stimulus. Using Psych 101 terms: everything started with a Classical Conditioning event: a neutral stimulus (i.e.: smell) that elicited an unlearned natural response (i.e.: attention and erotic sensation) was paired with a new stimulus (i.e.: her or his real face). As a result, the new face came to elicit a new response (i.e.: attraction, dating, sexual fantasies) that is identical or very similar to the natural reflex.
The best Marriage Counseling mission therefore is to lead the couple back into such a stage.
Stage Two - The Building Blocks:
Positive reinforcement is any of your behavior that leads to an increase of your partner’s behaviors. Marriage Counseling therefore has a lot to do with inventory check: what are the actions of each of you that lead to an increase of your partner’s behaviors that are desirable by you? Are they positive (i.e.: you ask something and your spouse razes some difficulty about it; you smile and ask again, so eventually your spouse accepts it) or problematic (i.e.: you ask something and get your spouse’ reservations; you then use loud and abusive tone so your spouse agrees with you, hoping to calm you down)?
Using Psych 101 terms: Marriage Counseling has a lot to do with Operant Conditioning:
learning from the consequences of our behavior. Many times the counseling meeting takes a form of a study session, as the counselor teaches the concept of Timing: reinforcements should be given within a short amount of time following the desired response. The greater the delay between the response and the reinforcement, the slower the learning of your partner would be.
Another basic concept within any Marriage Counseling process that involves sexual difficulties is Shaping: the method of successive approximations. Behaviors that are successively more similar to the desired behavior are reinforced.
Stage three - Targeting The Marriage Counseling Long Term Goals:
Classical conditioning usually involves reflexive, involuntary behavior that is controlled by the spinal cord or autonomic nervous system. This is how the Chemistry of Love is constructed. The more therefore you blend your life with erotic features that fit your spouse’s taste, the more you increase your chance to get to the promised land of continuous mutual attraction.
Operant conditioning usually involves more complex, voluntary behaviors that are mediated by our cognitive system. The more you identify appropriate reinforcements and link them to your spouse’s behaviors which you like, the more you increase the likelihood of achieving a pleasurable marriage life for yourself.
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Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 Online Counseling on Behavioral issues and Small Business Advice Provider regarding efficiency and effectiveness. http://www.dr-joseph.com/
and http://www.dr-jo-consulting.com/
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
What and Why I Do What I Do As a Marriage Counseling Practitioner
100 Years of Marriage Counseling Theory and Practice
Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) claimed that the roots of the psychological problems are innate motives (sex and aggression); the conscious mental processes have trivial importance compared with the unconscious mind; the psychoanalysis is the technique of helping persons with emotional problems.
Since his time, the topics of sexual gratification and the need to control (a form of aggression) are the core issues in most Marriage Counseling cases.
B.F. Skinner (1904-1999): Strict behaviorist that command us to deal only with measurable and overt behaviors and its changes as a response to reinforcement or sanctions. After the attitude change processes, couples need to reach behavioral changes. That is the source for all behavioral pattern change plans.
Albert Bandura (.. 1925.. ): his Social Learning Theory emphasizes the processes of learned behavior through observation and imitation of significant persons in our environment. Most undesirable behaviors, in regards to marriage harmony, like verbal, physical and substances abuse are well explained by his theory.
Humanistic Psychology (..1950-70..): Unconscious mind do often defeats efforts to make good decisions, but human being possess an innate tendency to improve and determine their lives by the decisions they make. Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) theorized that we all try to achieve positive self esteem and to search for self actualization. Theses powerful motives explain many ‘bad marriage behaviors’, such as infidelity. Carl Rogers (1902-1987) developed the Unconditional Acceptance therapy method, which helps marriage partners to achieve a ‘second chance’ attitude, both from therapists and spouses.
Virginia Satir (1916-1988) helped to understand the required Change Process Model, which work well for two person’s team as well as for entire organizational change wave. She also trained the profession to pay only little attention to the “presenting issue" or the surface problem, since this is seldom the real problem; rather, to understand, and later change, how people cope with the issue, since their behavior at that point creates the problem.
......................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist and Life Coach and Marriage Counseling and Small Business Advice
Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) claimed that the roots of the psychological problems are innate motives (sex and aggression); the conscious mental processes have trivial importance compared with the unconscious mind; the psychoanalysis is the technique of helping persons with emotional problems.
Since his time, the topics of sexual gratification and the need to control (a form of aggression) are the core issues in most Marriage Counseling cases.
B.F. Skinner (1904-1999): Strict behaviorist that command us to deal only with measurable and overt behaviors and its changes as a response to reinforcement or sanctions. After the attitude change processes, couples need to reach behavioral changes. That is the source for all behavioral pattern change plans.
Albert Bandura (.. 1925.. ): his Social Learning Theory emphasizes the processes of learned behavior through observation and imitation of significant persons in our environment. Most undesirable behaviors, in regards to marriage harmony, like verbal, physical and substances abuse are well explained by his theory.
Humanistic Psychology (..1950-70..): Unconscious mind do often defeats efforts to make good decisions, but human being possess an innate tendency to improve and determine their lives by the decisions they make. Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) theorized that we all try to achieve positive self esteem and to search for self actualization. Theses powerful motives explain many ‘bad marriage behaviors’, such as infidelity. Carl Rogers (1902-1987) developed the Unconditional Acceptance therapy method, which helps marriage partners to achieve a ‘second chance’ attitude, both from therapists and spouses.
Virginia Satir (1916-1988) helped to understand the required Change Process Model, which work well for two person’s team as well as for entire organizational change wave. She also trained the profession to pay only little attention to the “presenting issue" or the surface problem, since this is seldom the real problem; rather, to understand, and later change, how people cope with the issue, since their behavior at that point creates the problem.
......................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist and Life Coach and Marriage Counseling and Small Business Advice
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Modern Psychologist and the Old Relationship Advice Tool: Your Dreams
Yes, it is true these days too: Relationship Advice and Marriage Counseling processes do benefit from your dreams...
In order to understand how and why, let us first explain the first term: 'Day Residue'. A large part of the content of dreams is related to occurrences going on in our lives during the day; they referred to as Day Residue.
And now to the second term: 'Dream Interpretation'. Modern theories of dream analysis frequently focus on the person’s interpretation of the dream rather than on the inherent symbolism (Freud) or the expression of archetypes (Jung). From this view: dreams are an internal replacement for external stimulation.
However, for Freud: dreams are the “Royal road to the unconscious”. Manifest content: refers to the overt story of the dream. Latent content: is the hidden, usually unconscious, message. According to Freud, these messages were expressed indirectly because they were threatening or shocking to the conscious personality. This assumption is the link between the traditional Dream Theory material and current modern counseling processes.
Dream interpretation is therefore a valuable counseling component since it can pinpoint to the larger framework: the roots deep in the psyche or within daily life. Dream images and associations are most instrumental in personal problem solving. Since every person is responsible for their own growth, progression, and health the solutions are many times inside their mind or spiritual domain.
The meanings of dream symbols and themes can be common or complex; will cross cultural, social and interpersonal boundaries and have distinctly different interpretations for each dreamer. Freud suggests that the main and common subjects and issues in our dreams are: human body and persons within our surroundings, parents, children, siblings, birth, and death. The main and common messages: a male is often represented as a building with regularly shaped sides. The female is represented as a building with porches, cupolas, wings, etc.; these are appendages for grasping onto and holding close. The birth experience is usually represented in water. Death is often represented as a journey.
As is true of the theory in general, Freud used most of his symbols to represent sexual ideas and objects. The number 3, for example, is a substitute for the male genitals.
Words that indicate penetration may also indicate penises—i.e., knives, swords, or tools. Any object or event that fights against gravity symbolized penile erections.
Female genitals, on the other hand, were represented by objects that enclose a space: pits, caverns, boxes, jars, luggage, pockets, mouths, and shoes, for example.
But… in order to be a good counselor and a responsible client we always remember Freud’s warning: “Oftentimes a cigar is only a cigar.”
............................
Small Business Advice
Psychologist
Room and Efficiencies Rental
RideShare Commute
In order to understand how and why, let us first explain the first term: 'Day Residue'. A large part of the content of dreams is related to occurrences going on in our lives during the day; they referred to as Day Residue.
And now to the second term: 'Dream Interpretation'. Modern theories of dream analysis frequently focus on the person’s interpretation of the dream rather than on the inherent symbolism (Freud) or the expression of archetypes (Jung). From this view: dreams are an internal replacement for external stimulation.
However, for Freud: dreams are the “Royal road to the unconscious”. Manifest content: refers to the overt story of the dream. Latent content: is the hidden, usually unconscious, message. According to Freud, these messages were expressed indirectly because they were threatening or shocking to the conscious personality. This assumption is the link between the traditional Dream Theory material and current modern counseling processes.
Dream interpretation is therefore a valuable counseling component since it can pinpoint to the larger framework: the roots deep in the psyche or within daily life. Dream images and associations are most instrumental in personal problem solving. Since every person is responsible for their own growth, progression, and health the solutions are many times inside their mind or spiritual domain.
The meanings of dream symbols and themes can be common or complex; will cross cultural, social and interpersonal boundaries and have distinctly different interpretations for each dreamer. Freud suggests that the main and common subjects and issues in our dreams are: human body and persons within our surroundings, parents, children, siblings, birth, and death. The main and common messages: a male is often represented as a building with regularly shaped sides. The female is represented as a building with porches, cupolas, wings, etc.; these are appendages for grasping onto and holding close. The birth experience is usually represented in water. Death is often represented as a journey.
As is true of the theory in general, Freud used most of his symbols to represent sexual ideas and objects. The number 3, for example, is a substitute for the male genitals.
Words that indicate penetration may also indicate penises—i.e., knives, swords, or tools. Any object or event that fights against gravity symbolized penile erections.
Female genitals, on the other hand, were represented by objects that enclose a space: pits, caverns, boxes, jars, luggage, pockets, mouths, and shoes, for example.
But… in order to be a good counselor and a responsible client we always remember Freud’s warning: “Oftentimes a cigar is only a cigar.”
............................
Small Business Advice
Psychologist
Room and Efficiencies Rental
RideShare Commute
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Do Poor Relationship Have a Chance to Improve?
Do Poor Relationship Have a Chance to Improve? What Do We Know (so far) about Human Behavior that Allows an Answer?
Here are some basic facts and agreed upon assumptions that have a valuable impact regarding relationship advice, therapy, online counseling and traditional modes of counseling: they all do have a chance! Once we take a special look at the ‘Intimacy Factor’, we may declare the following positive statement: Poor relationship has 66% chance to be fixed.
1. Human beings are biological creatures – our biology determines our behavior to a grate extent, but we are not rigidly programmed by it.
2. Every person is different, yet much the same – our personalities, intellects and interests differ, but we are similar in our capacities to think, feel, remember and so on.
3. People can be understood fully only in the context of their cultural, ethnic identity and gender identity – since beliefs about right and wrong, food preference, language usage, religious practice, as well as male or female essence are influenced by the socio-cultural forces.
4. Human lives are a continuous process of change – because of the biological tract that leads us from infancy to old age, and because of life events and experiences.
5. Behavior is motivated – and helps us to meet our needs. However, not all our motives are simple or easy to reveal.
6. Human are social animals – and not only in order to accomplish things that single individuals cannot. We need company. We suffer when we are lonely.
7. People play an active part in creating their experiences – the human nervous system interprets the outside world and creates the reality for us.
8. Behavior can be adoptive or maladaptive – and each direction could be changed.
The following traits were isolated, along with the estimated percentage of the inherited trait:
• Extroversion (mixed easily, likes to be the center of attention): 61%
• Conformity (respects tradition and authority; follows the rules): 60%
• Worry (easily distressed and frustrated; feels vulnerable): 55%
• Creativity (tendency to become lost in thought and abstraction): 55%
• Paranoia (feels exploited, thinks “world is out to get me”): 55%
• Optimism (confident, cheerful, upbeat): 54%
• Cautiousness (avoids risks and dangers; takes safe route): 51%
• Aggressiveness (tends to be violent; has a taste for revenge): 48%
• Ambitiousness (works hard to achieve goals; perfectionist): 46%
• Orderliness (plans carefully; tries to make rational decisions): 43%
• Intimacy (prefers emotional closeness): 33%
The basic known facts and agreed upon assumptions about human behavior creates a valuable impact regarding counseling and therapy. Once we put together all we know about human nature, the optimistic point of view must capture our horizons.
The conclusion is both simple and impressive: we all are capable to adopt and change; relationship advice, therapy, online counseling and traditional modes of counseling do have a chance!
............................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist and Life Coach Online Counseling and Small Business Advice
Here are some basic facts and agreed upon assumptions that have a valuable impact regarding relationship advice, therapy, online counseling and traditional modes of counseling: they all do have a chance! Once we take a special look at the ‘Intimacy Factor’, we may declare the following positive statement: Poor relationship has 66% chance to be fixed.
1. Human beings are biological creatures – our biology determines our behavior to a grate extent, but we are not rigidly programmed by it.
2. Every person is different, yet much the same – our personalities, intellects and interests differ, but we are similar in our capacities to think, feel, remember and so on.
3. People can be understood fully only in the context of their cultural, ethnic identity and gender identity – since beliefs about right and wrong, food preference, language usage, religious practice, as well as male or female essence are influenced by the socio-cultural forces.
4. Human lives are a continuous process of change – because of the biological tract that leads us from infancy to old age, and because of life events and experiences.
5. Behavior is motivated – and helps us to meet our needs. However, not all our motives are simple or easy to reveal.
6. Human are social animals – and not only in order to accomplish things that single individuals cannot. We need company. We suffer when we are lonely.
7. People play an active part in creating their experiences – the human nervous system interprets the outside world and creates the reality for us.
8. Behavior can be adoptive or maladaptive – and each direction could be changed.
The following traits were isolated, along with the estimated percentage of the inherited trait:
• Extroversion (mixed easily, likes to be the center of attention): 61%
• Conformity (respects tradition and authority; follows the rules): 60%
• Worry (easily distressed and frustrated; feels vulnerable): 55%
• Creativity (tendency to become lost in thought and abstraction): 55%
• Paranoia (feels exploited, thinks “world is out to get me”): 55%
• Optimism (confident, cheerful, upbeat): 54%
• Cautiousness (avoids risks and dangers; takes safe route): 51%
• Aggressiveness (tends to be violent; has a taste for revenge): 48%
• Ambitiousness (works hard to achieve goals; perfectionist): 46%
• Orderliness (plans carefully; tries to make rational decisions): 43%
• Intimacy (prefers emotional closeness): 33%
The basic known facts and agreed upon assumptions about human behavior creates a valuable impact regarding counseling and therapy. Once we put together all we know about human nature, the optimistic point of view must capture our horizons.
The conclusion is both simple and impressive: we all are capable to adopt and change; relationship advice, therapy, online counseling and traditional modes of counseling do have a chance!
............................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist and Life Coach Online Counseling and Small Business Advice
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Infidelity - Can Marriage Counseling Help?
Infidelity is one of the most hurtful things that can develop in an unhealthy relationship. Can a Marriage Counselor help a couple get through and overcome such an upsetting event?
In most cases yes, but there are two ‘but’: first, the underlying causes and the unhealthy aspects of the relationship need to be addressed. Second, in the course of working through the Marriage Counseling process, the starting place usually is not with the marital relationship but the individual’s personal relationship with themselves.
K., a mother of two, had been in a relationship with her husband for 5 years; he had been unfaithful many times during the course of their relationship. Recently she discovered that he had a 1-month-old baby to another woman the result of one instance of his infidelital behavior. “We are still together but I am finding it difficult to deal with. I know he wants to see his son and he does so very often. I don’t have a problem with him seeing his son. It’s the lady I have a problem with. She had no respect for our marriage; neither did he come to think of it. I don’t trust her and after all he’s put me through I don’t trust him to be alone with her either.” K. started to explain.
K. was starting to open up and I’m certain, not-realizing it, that subconsciously she was telling me exactly what her problem was even though she didn’t fully realize it herself at the time. As K. continued the true underlying issue became more apparent. “Yesterday my husband came home with his hair done differently. When I questioned him about it, he told me his baby’s mother did it!” She exclaimed in obvious exasperation. “I'm not sure how to deal with this at all. They are obviously still friends I can only assume because of the baby but how can I be sure that’s all it is. I don’t think that he should allow her to do his hair. I already have enough reminders of his infidelity.”
K. finished off by expressing her concern for where his continued relationship with the baby’s mother would lead. “I know the problem is the mistrust I have for him. I wonder if I’m being unreasonable about this; it’s just a haircut.”
At this point K. stopped. I remember a childlike look of hope in her eyes as she sat there waiting for my response. It seemed she was trying to convince both herself and me that that’s all it really was, ‘just a haircut’. I knew as a Life Coach and Marriage Counselor that it was not just a ‘hair-cut’. There is unfortunately no easy way of telling someone that.
Being sympathetic and trying to make her realize what she already knew deep inside I answered her as kindly as the circumstances allowed. “No, I do not think that the mistrust issue between you and your husband is the real trouble here. The major issue is the disrespect that you have towards yourself. You do not see yourself as strong, independent and well deserving of a true relationship.”
Having approached the subject as conservatively as possible I continued. “You sound very immature and very insecure; possibly both. It sounds like you have an ‘Empowerment Issue’, lacking the capacity to challenge traditional forces (your husband’s marriage lifestyle) now that it has suppressed your personal belief system.”
As both a Psychologist and Life Coach my therapeutic recommendation therefore was that she absolutely needed to restructure the way choices are being made in her marriage life. “Be a model of a good leader and a responsible parent to your kids. Show them that they should not at any time accept to be treated as the second best.” I told her.
The art and the science here is to accomplish this restructuring in a way that the Relationship Advice not only occurs without harming the marital equilibrium but also strengthens it. Many husbands do enjoy an empowered partner. My advice to K. therefore followed my theoretical approach; I knew she needed to empower herself very quickly, in order to be able to create a loving happy relationship for herself. I found no better way than to say loud and clear: “Just grow up!” I then advised her further in very concrete terms: “this meant that within 24 hours you either force your husband to start Marriage Counseling process with you or kick him out with no delay. Either you or her! Do not now worry about visitation procedure, since they could be worked out, once the counseling process starts!”
...................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 Online Counseling on Behavioral issues and Small Business Advice Provider regarding efficiency and effectiveness. Online Counseling And Small Business Advice
In most cases yes, but there are two ‘but’: first, the underlying causes and the unhealthy aspects of the relationship need to be addressed. Second, in the course of working through the Marriage Counseling process, the starting place usually is not with the marital relationship but the individual’s personal relationship with themselves.
K., a mother of two, had been in a relationship with her husband for 5 years; he had been unfaithful many times during the course of their relationship. Recently she discovered that he had a 1-month-old baby to another woman the result of one instance of his infidelital behavior. “We are still together but I am finding it difficult to deal with. I know he wants to see his son and he does so very often. I don’t have a problem with him seeing his son. It’s the lady I have a problem with. She had no respect for our marriage; neither did he come to think of it. I don’t trust her and after all he’s put me through I don’t trust him to be alone with her either.” K. started to explain.
K. was starting to open up and I’m certain, not-realizing it, that subconsciously she was telling me exactly what her problem was even though she didn’t fully realize it herself at the time. As K. continued the true underlying issue became more apparent. “Yesterday my husband came home with his hair done differently. When I questioned him about it, he told me his baby’s mother did it!” She exclaimed in obvious exasperation. “I'm not sure how to deal with this at all. They are obviously still friends I can only assume because of the baby but how can I be sure that’s all it is. I don’t think that he should allow her to do his hair. I already have enough reminders of his infidelity.”
K. finished off by expressing her concern for where his continued relationship with the baby’s mother would lead. “I know the problem is the mistrust I have for him. I wonder if I’m being unreasonable about this; it’s just a haircut.”
At this point K. stopped. I remember a childlike look of hope in her eyes as she sat there waiting for my response. It seemed she was trying to convince both herself and me that that’s all it really was, ‘just a haircut’. I knew as a Life Coach and Marriage Counselor that it was not just a ‘hair-cut’. There is unfortunately no easy way of telling someone that.
Being sympathetic and trying to make her realize what she already knew deep inside I answered her as kindly as the circumstances allowed. “No, I do not think that the mistrust issue between you and your husband is the real trouble here. The major issue is the disrespect that you have towards yourself. You do not see yourself as strong, independent and well deserving of a true relationship.”
Having approached the subject as conservatively as possible I continued. “You sound very immature and very insecure; possibly both. It sounds like you have an ‘Empowerment Issue’, lacking the capacity to challenge traditional forces (your husband’s marriage lifestyle) now that it has suppressed your personal belief system.”
As both a Psychologist and Life Coach my therapeutic recommendation therefore was that she absolutely needed to restructure the way choices are being made in her marriage life. “Be a model of a good leader and a responsible parent to your kids. Show them that they should not at any time accept to be treated as the second best.” I told her.
The art and the science here is to accomplish this restructuring in a way that the Relationship Advice not only occurs without harming the marital equilibrium but also strengthens it. Many husbands do enjoy an empowered partner. My advice to K. therefore followed my theoretical approach; I knew she needed to empower herself very quickly, in order to be able to create a loving happy relationship for herself. I found no better way than to say loud and clear: “Just grow up!” I then advised her further in very concrete terms: “this meant that within 24 hours you either force your husband to start Marriage Counseling process with you or kick him out with no delay. Either you or her! Do not now worry about visitation procedure, since they could be worked out, once the counseling process starts!”
...................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 Online Counseling on Behavioral issues and Small Business Advice Provider regarding efficiency and effectiveness. Online Counseling And Small Business Advice
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
There is Hope for Abused Wives
On more than one occasion I have been contacted by a partner in a relationship who thought there could be some instant ‘magic’ solution to their relationship problems. As an Online Marriage Counseling provider I regularly come across people who think that the solution to their marital problems is a click, call or just an email away.
Well, there is no ‘cook-book’ Relationship Advice solution for an unhealthy abusive relationship.
Being involved in a relationship that has reached the point where it’s a constant cycle of abuse is not healthy for either partner and unfortunately there is no ‘quick-fix’ for this type of situation. Long term Marriage Counseling with a certified Psychologist is usually required. When R. contacted me about her personal situation it seemed that she was searching for just such a ‘quick-fix’ solution.
R. was in a marriage that had, by the time she contacted me, almost completely come undone. Here in her own words are the details of her relationship: “My husband says constant insults and does a lot of name calling. It has gotten physical at one point; he said that I provoked him. I am constantly being reminded of working it out. But in the process, I feel myself weakening emotionally because there is no time for me to heal. He apologizes, but eventually he just does the same things again anyway.”
I informed R’ that verbal abuse, from a Psychologist point of view, is just like any other addiction. It is a serious problem that has many explanations, theories and treatment approaches. My treatment method focuses on the concept that everything relates to the relationship: either the relationship between the individual and his ‘self’, the self esteem issue, or towards his spouse.
My basic understanding of any marital relationship always takes me first to each one of the partners. Only thereafter I assess the relationship that the partners have with one another. In cases involving excessive verbal abuse it can be, for both the giver and receiver, an almost addictive quality and like any addiction it can lead down an ever escalating path.
I further went on to explain to R. that as the abuse had started to escalate, both partners need professional help, since the 'relationship issue' is complex and not simple to solve and fix. There is no quick-fix solution, I again reminded her; Marriage Counseling is definitely required. As a long time Psychologist I tend not to provide direct answers, but facilitate the process of empowering my clients, allowing them to boost their ability and produce the desired outcome. “You need to transform both your life as well as your marital lifestyle” I told her. Whether you call it a Relationship Advice or Life Coach mentoring or Marriage Counseling you and your partner need to seek long term continuous help!
I further went on to address the areas of focus that the Marriage Counseling would begin with and expand upon. There were three major ‘learning and change’ missions for which I identified:
A. Your husband - should assess and change his value system and perceptions, habits, culturally accepted behaviors and also his stress related reactions.
B. You - should asses your tolerance level, and change towards the ability to be strong in order to say and act “No More”.
C. You both - should assess and change parts of your marital lifestyle in order to find more common grounds and shared positive experiences.
.......................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Online Marriage Counseling and Relationship Advice And Life Coach Online Counseling And Small Business Advice
Well, there is no ‘cook-book’ Relationship Advice solution for an unhealthy abusive relationship.
Being involved in a relationship that has reached the point where it’s a constant cycle of abuse is not healthy for either partner and unfortunately there is no ‘quick-fix’ for this type of situation. Long term Marriage Counseling with a certified Psychologist is usually required. When R. contacted me about her personal situation it seemed that she was searching for just such a ‘quick-fix’ solution.
R. was in a marriage that had, by the time she contacted me, almost completely come undone. Here in her own words are the details of her relationship: “My husband says constant insults and does a lot of name calling. It has gotten physical at one point; he said that I provoked him. I am constantly being reminded of working it out. But in the process, I feel myself weakening emotionally because there is no time for me to heal. He apologizes, but eventually he just does the same things again anyway.”
I informed R’ that verbal abuse, from a Psychologist point of view, is just like any other addiction. It is a serious problem that has many explanations, theories and treatment approaches. My treatment method focuses on the concept that everything relates to the relationship: either the relationship between the individual and his ‘self’, the self esteem issue, or towards his spouse.
My basic understanding of any marital relationship always takes me first to each one of the partners. Only thereafter I assess the relationship that the partners have with one another. In cases involving excessive verbal abuse it can be, for both the giver and receiver, an almost addictive quality and like any addiction it can lead down an ever escalating path.
I further went on to explain to R. that as the abuse had started to escalate, both partners need professional help, since the 'relationship issue' is complex and not simple to solve and fix. There is no quick-fix solution, I again reminded her; Marriage Counseling is definitely required. As a long time Psychologist I tend not to provide direct answers, but facilitate the process of empowering my clients, allowing them to boost their ability and produce the desired outcome. “You need to transform both your life as well as your marital lifestyle” I told her. Whether you call it a Relationship Advice or Life Coach mentoring or Marriage Counseling you and your partner need to seek long term continuous help!
I further went on to address the areas of focus that the Marriage Counseling would begin with and expand upon. There were three major ‘learning and change’ missions for which I identified:
A. Your husband - should assess and change his value system and perceptions, habits, culturally accepted behaviors and also his stress related reactions.
B. You - should asses your tolerance level, and change towards the ability to be strong in order to say and act “No More”.
C. You both - should assess and change parts of your marital lifestyle in order to find more common grounds and shared positive experiences.
.......................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Online Marriage Counseling and Relationship Advice And Life Coach Online Counseling And Small Business Advice
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Life Coach Online Counseling: From a Better Parent to a Better Husband
L. contacted me for an Online Counseling relief and Relationship Advice session. She had reached a point in her relationship with her husband where she was just completely and thoroughly frustrated with him and the situation she found herself in. “My husband made the decision for me to quit my job based on the cost of daycare vs. my teaching salary. Also the fact that he did not want to have to dress and take them to daycare in the morning influenced his decision as well.” She began. “Now that he is the only one providing income he believes that everything concerning the house and kids is my responsibility.”
I listened to L. very intently as she describe her situation. I wanted to make sure I was in fact getting the whole picture before I jumped to any conclusions regarding her relationship and her partner. As a Psychologist I could not offer constructive advice that would allow her to build her relationship if I went in looking at the situation with any prejudices. L. went on to describe a scene similar to a TV show of the 40’s and 50’s. The ones where the father had a job and the mother took care of the house and kids. There is of course nothing wrong with this type of relationship and family setting “if” it’s what both partners desire. As a practical Life Coach, it was apparent however, as L. continued describing her situation, that she was not happy and that it was most definitely not what she wanted.
“We were fighting every night about who had to do the dishes or bathe the kids. I got tired of the bickering and didn't want the kids to hear us arguing over who "had" to give them a bath...so I came up with a schedule for every day of the week alternating dishes or bath. Each of us does one of these tasks while the other does the other and it alternates every night. It was fine for a few weeks...but now we are back to him saying that he does not understand why he has to give them a bath ever or do dishes. He should be able to come home, take a nap and play with the kids but that is where he believes his part of parenting responsibilities stops.” She paused here sighing in obvious exasperation then continued. “I have tried to explain to him that I need a little bit of down time too. Otherwise I was giving baths, getting kids in bed and doing dishes (and packing his lunches-another requirement) and not even sitting down until 9 while he is on the couch at 7. How do I get him to see that I “AM” busy during the day and that I deserve his help and to rest in the evenings too? What do I do to keep the peace and also get help? I feel like a single parent!”
L. did clarify one thing for me when I asked her about it. I was curious as to their partnership in taking care of the children on the weekends. “He gets mad if I leave him for even an hour with both kids awake in the evening or on the weekend. He expects me to take them both to the grocery store rather than letting me go when he is home....even though he would NEVER dream of taking them both with him.” At this point looking at the situation I had to agree with L. She was very much like a single parent who had a live-in part-time babysitter. I assured L. that I could certainly understand her frustration. “Whoever still holds traditional 19th century view of parental roles is either blind or just mistaken” I advised L.
I have no simple one line Relationship Advice to offer, I said, but through Marriage Counseling you both should certainly be able to remedy the situation. A structured guidance and counseling program along a 2-3 months period should allow you to do that, I informed her.
These are the three themes of the program:
A. Attitude change: how do you value and assess each other’s strengths and abilities; life aspirations and challenges.
B. Acquiring the right child rearing practices: hoe each parent can and should react and contribute to the children; what are the appropriate parental and gender role models?
C. Enriching marital communication, relationship, sexuality and mutual emotional growth.
Do not give up, I said; you both have a lot of work to do, but I’m sure you can handle it and even enjoy it. Since marriage is a reciprocal chain of behaviors, there are a lot of actions and behaviors that you could do that have the power to trigger your husband to transform his attitudes and parental style. Lead him to learn to enjoy his kids and help you both to enjoy each other in the process!
...................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Online Marriage Counseling and Relationship Advice And Life Coach Online Counseling
I listened to L. very intently as she describe her situation. I wanted to make sure I was in fact getting the whole picture before I jumped to any conclusions regarding her relationship and her partner. As a Psychologist I could not offer constructive advice that would allow her to build her relationship if I went in looking at the situation with any prejudices. L. went on to describe a scene similar to a TV show of the 40’s and 50’s. The ones where the father had a job and the mother took care of the house and kids. There is of course nothing wrong with this type of relationship and family setting “if” it’s what both partners desire. As a practical Life Coach, it was apparent however, as L. continued describing her situation, that she was not happy and that it was most definitely not what she wanted.
“We were fighting every night about who had to do the dishes or bathe the kids. I got tired of the bickering and didn't want the kids to hear us arguing over who "had" to give them a bath...so I came up with a schedule for every day of the week alternating dishes or bath. Each of us does one of these tasks while the other does the other and it alternates every night. It was fine for a few weeks...but now we are back to him saying that he does not understand why he has to give them a bath ever or do dishes. He should be able to come home, take a nap and play with the kids but that is where he believes his part of parenting responsibilities stops.” She paused here sighing in obvious exasperation then continued. “I have tried to explain to him that I need a little bit of down time too. Otherwise I was giving baths, getting kids in bed and doing dishes (and packing his lunches-another requirement) and not even sitting down until 9 while he is on the couch at 7. How do I get him to see that I “AM” busy during the day and that I deserve his help and to rest in the evenings too? What do I do to keep the peace and also get help? I feel like a single parent!”
L. did clarify one thing for me when I asked her about it. I was curious as to their partnership in taking care of the children on the weekends. “He gets mad if I leave him for even an hour with both kids awake in the evening or on the weekend. He expects me to take them both to the grocery store rather than letting me go when he is home....even though he would NEVER dream of taking them both with him.” At this point looking at the situation I had to agree with L. She was very much like a single parent who had a live-in part-time babysitter. I assured L. that I could certainly understand her frustration. “Whoever still holds traditional 19th century view of parental roles is either blind or just mistaken” I advised L.
I have no simple one line Relationship Advice to offer, I said, but through Marriage Counseling you both should certainly be able to remedy the situation. A structured guidance and counseling program along a 2-3 months period should allow you to do that, I informed her.
These are the three themes of the program:
A. Attitude change: how do you value and assess each other’s strengths and abilities; life aspirations and challenges.
B. Acquiring the right child rearing practices: hoe each parent can and should react and contribute to the children; what are the appropriate parental and gender role models?
C. Enriching marital communication, relationship, sexuality and mutual emotional growth.
Do not give up, I said; you both have a lot of work to do, but I’m sure you can handle it and even enjoy it. Since marriage is a reciprocal chain of behaviors, there are a lot of actions and behaviors that you could do that have the power to trigger your husband to transform his attitudes and parental style. Lead him to learn to enjoy his kids and help you both to enjoy each other in the process!
...................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Online Marriage Counseling and Relationship Advice And Life Coach Online Counseling
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