As a Psychologist an understanding of behavior and providing Relationship Advice is what allows me to help people work through their troubles. Helping people to adjust their behaviors and better their relationships is one of life’s greatest rewards. It can be just the smallest thing or even just the slightest change in behavior which will allow them to have a more fulfilling and stronger relationship.
Through Online Marriage Counseling I get to observe, first hand, these changes and watch relationships blossom and become more fruitful. Seeing Relationship Advice or a long term Marriage Counseling process resulting successfully for a couple is a very heart-warming and it amazes me that sometimes it is the smallest of changes the bring about the most fulfilling results.
This was the case with J. who recently contacted me about some problems that had developed in her relationship. The development was not a new one, it had been inherent for quite some time and she had just finally reached the point where she couldn’t stand it any longer. “My husband thinks because he has a job and provides money that when he gets home from work he doesn't have to do anything.”
“I am not his freaking maid! It’s not my job to clean up his mess all the time.” J. angrily complained to me. Her voice seethingly bared all of her pent up frustration. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears from her built up frustration.
I had J. pause here for a moment. Many times when people come to Online Counseling the first time they are, understandably so, overcome with emotion. I therefore advised J., “collect yourself and your thoughts for a moment; then continue.” J took a couple of deep breathes and then noticeably calmer began to tell me about her situation.
“He gets home from work, takes his boots and socks off and just leaves his dirty laundry right in the middle of the living room. Even when I did have a job he still never helped around the house. He comes home all the time complaining cause the house is dirty. I do clean up but I have a 2-year-old that just make messes again. My husband thinks that I should follow my 2-year-old around the house all day cleaning up her mess and if I don't I am a bad mother.”
I couldn’t help but notice her using the possessive term “I” here. Wanting to make sure I fully understood the situation I inquired about it. “Is the two year old his?”
J. told me. “No, it’s mine from a previous relationship.” I advised J. to continue her story.
“I do work at home. I do daycare watching a 4 month old right now. Also I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning and the laundry. He gets home and does nothing!” Her voice is faltering slightly giving way to her agitation.
J. finishes up her explanation of her current situation by relating to me two distinct instances that expressed her growing frustration about the issues she has with her husband. “He is supposed to fold the laundry but can’t even manage that. I wash the laundry and put it on the counter so he can fold it later. It just sits there! I even told him I wasn't washing anymore of his laundry until he folds the laundry on the counter. He still refused and called me lazy.”
“After I cook dinner, I expect him to load the dishwasher. Most times I end up waking up in the morning and having to load it after he goes off to work. There are days where I’ll just let the dishes stack up. When he asks, “What’s for dinner?” I tell him, “Well since I have no dishes to cook on, nothing.” He ends up just ordering pizza or going to a fast food place and the dishes still just sit there.”
When J. finished her initial observation of her situation, she asked a question I found to be very curious. “Is there a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?”
I wanted to get a little more information from J. So I turned the question around and asked her. “Do you think there is a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?”
J. replied. “I don’t think there’s any reason a guy can’t help around the house. Most of the guys I know don’t though. My friend’s boyfriends, my father and brothers and my previous boyfriend, they didn’t help around the house at all. None of them. I don’t get it.” She concluded.
From a Psychologist perspective, I offered my professional point of view: we could assume that this is his way to show dominance and control. A related explanation is that this is his way to retaliate about something that he felt was unfair to him and a common way of doing so employs the ‘Passive-Aggressive’ mode. These are too far away speculations, I said, so we have to gather more information; but let us assume that this is the case here. If indeed so, do not worry, I continued: marriage is a reciprocal chain of behaviors. Something within one spouse’s actions triggers the others, which means that you can do things that would effect and change your husband’s behavioral pattern.
The ground for a mutual Marriage Counseling work was established. My professional Psychologist assessment triggered the husband to join and participate in a structured Online Marriage Counseling process. No, it was not a quick-fix Relationship Advice; but yes, it was done within less than two months; only six counseling sessions were needed in order for them to move into a different, happier and more equality fulfilling lifestyle.
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Relationship Advice And Online Marriage Counseling