Expecting to be a first time mother is usually a joyous occasion. However such was not the case with L. whose recent pregnancy caused an already tenuous relationship with her mother to escalate.
L. called me in this unfortunate situation and here is what she was currently experiencing during our initial session of Online Counseling: “I am 27 and three months pregnant. I have been with the father for over four years and we live together abroad. Both of us work and are financially independent. My mother has never cared much for my boyfriend and doesn't have any time for him refusing to make a place for him in her life. She doesn't think he is good enough for me.” She confided to me as she began telling me about her situation.
“Since I told her I am pregnant, she has barely said a word to me. She told me not to have the baby! Obviously this hurt my feelings very much as we are very happy and excited about it. She hasn't asked me when it is due; how I'm feeling; or any of the normal questions a mother would ask. Her attitude and lack of support has left me feeling quite anxious and depressed.” At this point L. sighed deeply and sounded looked like she was trying to hold herself back from sobbing.
Looking back on my previous experiences as a family Online Counseling Psychologist and Life Coach, I knew how stressful a time and experience L. must be going through. At this point I started asking questions directing her away from her current experience and trying to see what her relationship was like with her mother in the past.
After taking a few deep breaths collecting herself L. continued: “My mother has always been too overbearing and controlling. This is one of the reasons I moved abroad. Still I can not believe how disgraceful she is behaving towards her future grandchild and my happiness. I don't want to create conflict and make things worse but I am starting to feel as though I don't want her in my life, or my child's. I have to see her in a few weeks when I have a hospital visit in my home country. I don't know how I should behave. She is not the sort of women that 'talks' about things and she is very hypercritical, childish and sulks when she does not get her way. I am really at a loose end, and unable to enjoy the most special time in my life.”
L. called my Online Counseling Services for help; understandably, she wanted to solve quickly the difficulty around her mother’s support during this very special and very stressful time. I therefore wanted to be as directive and as efficient as possible, by providing a practical Life Coach Relationship advice. L., I said, I have no easy solution for you; there is no ‘quick-fix’ move that I can offer in order to better your situation. You time is ticking, but you must think about elaborated Family Counseling process. The sessions first should be individual and then leading to joint dialogue with your mother, her life partner and your spouse. Only together, all of you have the chance to heal the relationship. Taking the Psychologist perspective, I added: I could only help to facilitate the process; I could not make happen, since this is your job to do.
I further explained that in the situation that L. found herself in living abroad away from her family, my ability to offer all of them Online Counseling would be extremely beneficial as we could do the counseling sessions through phone or online web-casts. It was in her circumstance the perfect solution for her situation.
As we continued to discuss the Online Counseling process I took time to explain what is called ‘attitude change’ – a cognitive and emotional process that alternates the belief system, the values and the socially related ‘do’ or ‘do not do’ practices. I advised her that my role as the online facilitator would be to assist each one of the family members with a series of one-on-one Online Counseling sessions. There would be three major ‘learning and change’ missions here, I continued, that she would better be aware of:
A. Your life with your child’s father: you should assess the situation and see why marriage has not yet evolved.
B. You and yourself: you should asses your dependency level, and change towards the ability to say and act according to your feelings and needs. This is the Empowerment issue: lack of capacity to challenge traditional forces (your mother) once it suppresses your desire or belief system.
C. You, your spouse and your mother: you both need to change/re-establish or recreate your communication style with your mother.
Epilog: No happy end here… you need two for the Tango; unfortunately the mother was less than enthusiastic about participating and refused to anything than to state that her daughter had made her own choices and those choices excluded her and her opinions.
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Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Relationship Advice And Online Marriage Counseling
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Online Counseling Psychologist Assessment: Empower Yourself First, Deal with Your Marriage Later
“My husband had been physically and emotionally abusive since even before we married. I think I became addicted to the drama of it.” These were the first words that K. told me during our initial Online Counseling session. “At night when our children sleep I would feel trapped unable to leave without waking them and risk letting them knows what was happening.” She continued.
Sometimes, as a Marriage Counselor, the most important thing to do is listening. Couples or individuals come to you hoping to find a kind voice and an open ear. K. seemed very much at this point where she just needed someone she could talk to. As a Psychologist, it is understood that this is an excellent place to be at as it reveals a self-realization about ones self and the situation they’re in.
As K. Continued to talk about her relationship I listened closely and supportively to what she had to say: “My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years. This is my second marriage and his first. Over the course of 8 or so years there have been probably 50 or so incidents of physical aggression from him just shoving me up to him actually repeatedly hitting me. Many times this would occur after he had been drinking. Numerous times he would even go out on a drinking binge after work and just not come home.” K., in a somewhat shaky voice continued to tell me.
As K. spoke she seemed to relax slightly. I visualized her as someone who after a long hard period of traveling was able to take off their load and relieve themselves of a heavy burden. Soon she continued with her story becoming more at ease as she went. “I am ashamed to admit my main reason for not divorcing is money. I also feel a little ashamed that this would be my second divorce and I worry about how that would affect our children.” K. confided in me. “I deeply loved my husband when we were first married. I still love him and worry about him if we divorce. I don't know how to be in love with him anymore and I don't know how to want it to work like he seems to want. I don't know why I can't pull the trigger and just end it, or suck it up and take him back and try again.” K. told me.
At this point although I knew most of the details concerning the history of the abusive relationship I was not sure I completely understood the current context of this marriage. “Are you and your husband still together?” I inquired. “He… ah, he moved out a week ago and went to live with a friend.” She answered me in a somewhat quieter voice. K., I said, there was no good ‘quick fix’ reply for your situation. Quite honestly, there was no simple solution to such a very complex situation like yours. I advised her that Marriage Counseling that take some weeks and months, was very much needed if there was to be any chance of her relationship building itself back together again.
Internally I had numerous questions rushing through my head. Many, I knew would have to wait for the appropriate time. I did have one question, as a Marriage Counselor, that absolutely needed to be answered before we could continue to go any further: Do the both of you, do you think, want to try to make the relationship work? I asked her. I needed to see how much, if any, motivation was still left with K. and her estranged husband long experience. “I, I just don’t know. I mean I want to try to make it work, it’s what’s best for the kids I think.” She answered me. I listened to what she DID NOT SAY; she did not mention HERSELF. I then new that K. was not yet ready… Another process had to be called for, prior to ant Marriage Counseling attempt.
I therefore assured K. that since I’m not a lawyer, I was not going to replace her decision making process and try to produce the answers for her. As a Psychologist and a Life Coach it was my place to try to facilitate the process of EMPOWERING her decision making ability, allowing her to boost HER ability to produce the best possible outcome through HER own personal choices and decisions. It was my job therefore to help her continue on the path she had herself finally chosen to start. She needed to continue on her journey of Self-Actualization and that I could help her to achieve that goal.
I advised K., that it was my opinion; that prior to re-constructing her marriage / family life she need first to start a dialogue with herself and only thereafter with her husband. This situation that she found herself in definitely required an on-going professional Marriage Counseling but the relationship issues were just too complex and she was too weak. I wanted to make certain that she understood therefore that a one time detailed Relationship Advice (free or as a paid service) would not be the right remedy.
Through an ongoing Online Marriage Counseling program, including both joint and individual sessions, K. and her husband managed to reconcile and were able to have a much more fulfilling and nurturing family and personal relationship.
..........................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Relationship Advice And Online Marriage Counseling
Sometimes, as a Marriage Counselor, the most important thing to do is listening. Couples or individuals come to you hoping to find a kind voice and an open ear. K. seemed very much at this point where she just needed someone she could talk to. As a Psychologist, it is understood that this is an excellent place to be at as it reveals a self-realization about ones self and the situation they’re in.
As K. Continued to talk about her relationship I listened closely and supportively to what she had to say: “My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years. This is my second marriage and his first. Over the course of 8 or so years there have been probably 50 or so incidents of physical aggression from him just shoving me up to him actually repeatedly hitting me. Many times this would occur after he had been drinking. Numerous times he would even go out on a drinking binge after work and just not come home.” K., in a somewhat shaky voice continued to tell me.
As K. spoke she seemed to relax slightly. I visualized her as someone who after a long hard period of traveling was able to take off their load and relieve themselves of a heavy burden. Soon she continued with her story becoming more at ease as she went. “I am ashamed to admit my main reason for not divorcing is money. I also feel a little ashamed that this would be my second divorce and I worry about how that would affect our children.” K. confided in me. “I deeply loved my husband when we were first married. I still love him and worry about him if we divorce. I don't know how to be in love with him anymore and I don't know how to want it to work like he seems to want. I don't know why I can't pull the trigger and just end it, or suck it up and take him back and try again.” K. told me.
At this point although I knew most of the details concerning the history of the abusive relationship I was not sure I completely understood the current context of this marriage. “Are you and your husband still together?” I inquired. “He… ah, he moved out a week ago and went to live with a friend.” She answered me in a somewhat quieter voice. K., I said, there was no good ‘quick fix’ reply for your situation. Quite honestly, there was no simple solution to such a very complex situation like yours. I advised her that Marriage Counseling that take some weeks and months, was very much needed if there was to be any chance of her relationship building itself back together again.
Internally I had numerous questions rushing through my head. Many, I knew would have to wait for the appropriate time. I did have one question, as a Marriage Counselor, that absolutely needed to be answered before we could continue to go any further: Do the both of you, do you think, want to try to make the relationship work? I asked her. I needed to see how much, if any, motivation was still left with K. and her estranged husband long experience. “I, I just don’t know. I mean I want to try to make it work, it’s what’s best for the kids I think.” She answered me. I listened to what she DID NOT SAY; she did not mention HERSELF. I then new that K. was not yet ready… Another process had to be called for, prior to ant Marriage Counseling attempt.
I therefore assured K. that since I’m not a lawyer, I was not going to replace her decision making process and try to produce the answers for her. As a Psychologist and a Life Coach it was my place to try to facilitate the process of EMPOWERING her decision making ability, allowing her to boost HER ability to produce the best possible outcome through HER own personal choices and decisions. It was my job therefore to help her continue on the path she had herself finally chosen to start. She needed to continue on her journey of Self-Actualization and that I could help her to achieve that goal.
I advised K., that it was my opinion; that prior to re-constructing her marriage / family life she need first to start a dialogue with herself and only thereafter with her husband. This situation that she found herself in definitely required an on-going professional Marriage Counseling but the relationship issues were just too complex and she was too weak. I wanted to make certain that she understood therefore that a one time detailed Relationship Advice (free or as a paid service) would not be the right remedy.
Through an ongoing Online Marriage Counseling program, including both joint and individual sessions, K. and her husband managed to reconcile and were able to have a much more fulfilling and nurturing family and personal relationship.
..........................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Relationship Advice And Online Marriage Counseling
The Marriage Counseling Relationship Advice: Male Partners Must Do It Too
As a Psychologist an understanding of behavior and providing Relationship Advice is what allows me to help people work through their troubles. Helping people to adjust their behaviors and better their relationships is one of life’s greatest rewards. It can be just the smallest thing or even just the slightest change in behavior which will allow them to have a more fulfilling and stronger relationship.
Through Online Marriage Counseling I get to observe, first hand, these changes and watch relationships blossom and become more fruitful. Seeing Relationship Advice or a long term Marriage Counseling process resulting successfully for a couple is a very heart-warming and it amazes me that sometimes it is the smallest of changes the bring about the most fulfilling results.
This was the case with J. who recently contacted me about some problems that had developed in her relationship. The development was not a new one, it had been inherent for quite some time and she had just finally reached the point where she couldn’t stand it any longer. “My husband thinks because he has a job and provides money that when he gets home from work he doesn't have to do anything.”
“I am not his freaking maid! It’s not my job to clean up his mess all the time.” J. angrily complained to me. Her voice seethingly bared all of her pent up frustration. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears from her built up frustration.
I had J. pause here for a moment. Many times when people come to Online Counseling the first time they are, understandably so, overcome with emotion. I therefore advised J., “collect yourself and your thoughts for a moment; then continue.” J took a couple of deep breathes and then noticeably calmer began to tell me about her situation.
“He gets home from work, takes his boots and socks off and just leaves his dirty laundry right in the middle of the living room. Even when I did have a job he still never helped around the house. He comes home all the time complaining cause the house is dirty. I do clean up but I have a 2-year-old that just make messes again. My husband thinks that I should follow my 2-year-old around the house all day cleaning up her mess and if I don't I am a bad mother.”
I couldn’t help but notice her using the possessive term “I” here. Wanting to make sure I fully understood the situation I inquired about it. “Is the two year old his?”
J. told me. “No, it’s mine from a previous relationship.” I advised J. to continue her story.
“I do work at home. I do daycare watching a 4 month old right now. Also I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning and the laundry. He gets home and does nothing!” Her voice is faltering slightly giving way to her agitation.
J. finishes up her explanation of her current situation by relating to me two distinct instances that expressed her growing frustration about the issues she has with her husband. “He is supposed to fold the laundry but can’t even manage that. I wash the laundry and put it on the counter so he can fold it later. It just sits there! I even told him I wasn't washing anymore of his laundry until he folds the laundry on the counter. He still refused and called me lazy.”
“After I cook dinner, I expect him to load the dishwasher. Most times I end up waking up in the morning and having to load it after he goes off to work. There are days where I’ll just let the dishes stack up. When he asks, “What’s for dinner?” I tell him, “Well since I have no dishes to cook on, nothing.” He ends up just ordering pizza or going to a fast food place and the dishes still just sit there.”
When J. finished her initial observation of her situation, she asked a question I found to be very curious. “Is there a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?”
I wanted to get a little more information from J. So I turned the question around and asked her. “Do you think there is a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?”
J. replied. “I don’t think there’s any reason a guy can’t help around the house. Most of the guys I know don’t though. My friend’s boyfriends, my father and brothers and my previous boyfriend, they didn’t help around the house at all. None of them. I don’t get it.” She concluded.
From a Psychologist perspective, I offered my professional point of view: we could assume that this is his way to show dominance and control. A related explanation is that this is his way to retaliate about something that he felt was unfair to him and a common way of doing so employs the ‘Passive-Aggressive’ mode. These are too far away speculations, I said, so we have to gather more information; but let us assume that this is the case here. If indeed so, do not worry, I continued: marriage is a reciprocal chain of behaviors. Something within one spouse’s actions triggers the others, which means that you can do things that would effect and change your husband’s behavioral pattern.
The ground for a mutual Marriage Counseling work was established. My professional Psychologist assessment triggered the husband to join and participate in a structured Online Marriage Counseling process. No, it was not a quick-fix Relationship Advice; but yes, it was done within less than two months; only six counseling sessions were needed in order for them to move into a different, happier and more equality fulfilling lifestyle.
.................................................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Relationship Advice And Online Marriage Counseling
Through Online Marriage Counseling I get to observe, first hand, these changes and watch relationships blossom and become more fruitful. Seeing Relationship Advice or a long term Marriage Counseling process resulting successfully for a couple is a very heart-warming and it amazes me that sometimes it is the smallest of changes the bring about the most fulfilling results.
This was the case with J. who recently contacted me about some problems that had developed in her relationship. The development was not a new one, it had been inherent for quite some time and she had just finally reached the point where she couldn’t stand it any longer. “My husband thinks because he has a job and provides money that when he gets home from work he doesn't have to do anything.”
“I am not his freaking maid! It’s not my job to clean up his mess all the time.” J. angrily complained to me. Her voice seethingly bared all of her pent up frustration. She sounded like she was on the verge of tears from her built up frustration.
I had J. pause here for a moment. Many times when people come to Online Counseling the first time they are, understandably so, overcome with emotion. I therefore advised J., “collect yourself and your thoughts for a moment; then continue.” J took a couple of deep breathes and then noticeably calmer began to tell me about her situation.
“He gets home from work, takes his boots and socks off and just leaves his dirty laundry right in the middle of the living room. Even when I did have a job he still never helped around the house. He comes home all the time complaining cause the house is dirty. I do clean up but I have a 2-year-old that just make messes again. My husband thinks that I should follow my 2-year-old around the house all day cleaning up her mess and if I don't I am a bad mother.”
I couldn’t help but notice her using the possessive term “I” here. Wanting to make sure I fully understood the situation I inquired about it. “Is the two year old his?”
J. told me. “No, it’s mine from a previous relationship.” I advised J. to continue her story.
“I do work at home. I do daycare watching a 4 month old right now. Also I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning and the laundry. He gets home and does nothing!” Her voice is faltering slightly giving way to her agitation.
J. finishes up her explanation of her current situation by relating to me two distinct instances that expressed her growing frustration about the issues she has with her husband. “He is supposed to fold the laundry but can’t even manage that. I wash the laundry and put it on the counter so he can fold it later. It just sits there! I even told him I wasn't washing anymore of his laundry until he folds the laundry on the counter. He still refused and called me lazy.”
“After I cook dinner, I expect him to load the dishwasher. Most times I end up waking up in the morning and having to load it after he goes off to work. There are days where I’ll just let the dishes stack up. When he asks, “What’s for dinner?” I tell him, “Well since I have no dishes to cook on, nothing.” He ends up just ordering pizza or going to a fast food place and the dishes still just sit there.”
When J. finished her initial observation of her situation, she asked a question I found to be very curious. “Is there a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?”
I wanted to get a little more information from J. So I turned the question around and asked her. “Do you think there is a reason men think because they go to work they don't have to help around the house?”
J. replied. “I don’t think there’s any reason a guy can’t help around the house. Most of the guys I know don’t though. My friend’s boyfriends, my father and brothers and my previous boyfriend, they didn’t help around the house at all. None of them. I don’t get it.” She concluded.
From a Psychologist perspective, I offered my professional point of view: we could assume that this is his way to show dominance and control. A related explanation is that this is his way to retaliate about something that he felt was unfair to him and a common way of doing so employs the ‘Passive-Aggressive’ mode. These are too far away speculations, I said, so we have to gather more information; but let us assume that this is the case here. If indeed so, do not worry, I continued: marriage is a reciprocal chain of behaviors. Something within one spouse’s actions triggers the others, which means that you can do things that would effect and change your husband’s behavioral pattern.
The ground for a mutual Marriage Counseling work was established. My professional Psychologist assessment triggered the husband to join and participate in a structured Online Marriage Counseling process. No, it was not a quick-fix Relationship Advice; but yes, it was done within less than two months; only six counseling sessions were needed in order for them to move into a different, happier and more equality fulfilling lifestyle.
.................................................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights, Mechanicsburg, PA Tel 717-943.0959 A Psychologist, Online Life Coach, Marriage Counselor and Relationship Advice provider. Psychologist And Relationship Advice And Online Marriage Counseling
The Psychologist Dilemma: Marriage Counseling issue or Sexual deviant topic?
This article summarizes the initial stage of an Online Marriage Counseling process.
Recently I was contacted by N. that told me she had been in what she thought was a great marriage for several years. During those years her husband regularly spent usually 3 nights out every week that were “work related”. Eventually after several years N. grew suspicious of this behavior but was never able to catch him doing anything herself. Finally N. hired an investigator to follow him. The findings were that he would drive around all night and talk to many different women.
N. confronted her husband about his behavior and he confessed “I had been an exhibitionist for 20 years.” N. was shocked by her husband’s revelation. She decided to stay in her marriage until she recently felt like she had done everything she could to try to hold it together.
During the year since she confronted her husband they had tried very hard, together in the beginning, to make it work; they had attended local Marriage Counseling. However, after a few counseling sessions and support meetings her husband had quit going to the counseling session. “Dealing only with my problem cured me”, he said. Since the end of their Marriage Counseling sessions together there had been a few very suspicious occasions. The husband of course denied anything happened each time.
In a state of despair N. came to me and advised me: “I feel like he is a pervert.” This was eventually followed by her question: “Am I crazy to consider trying to go on with him at this point? Everyone in my life seems to think so”.
As a Psychologist I started thinking objectively. “What are the real issues occurring here?” N. of course was agitated and feeling despair about the whole situation but what was the underlying cause for it all. After a little more counseling time with N. it became obvious to me that the biggest issue for HER was the issue of trust. It seemed she felt she couldn’t truly trust her partner anymore. Trust is of course key in any relationship. But what was HIS issue?
It is my habit to finalize the initial Online Marriage Counseling session with a clear expression of my opinion at this particular time: it seems to me that his behavior is more of a Marriage issue than a Sexual deviant counseling topic. I further explained that what they really both needed was renewed Marriage Counseling; not just individual sex counseling for him. Actually, by keeping his behavior hidden, I suggested, he tried to save your marriage… Could it be that your husband did not trust you as a good listener for his relationship, erotic and sexual needs? This was indeed a suggestion and a way of understanding the issue that she never took it as worthwhile to consider.
The other theme that I advised to look at was the ‘motivation factor’: you need to let HIM make the effort of trying to rebuild the relationship, by dealing with his needs and sexual aspirations with you, I suggested. Either he agrees to start intensive and serious marriage counseling - or send him out of this marriage. I advised N. that she should not be the one putting forth all the effort.
The last issue in our initial session was the reservations due to the past attempt to solve the difficulty. They have tried Marriage Counseling in the past. I therefore explained that the previous effort went to a wrong direction – HIS deviance, and not THEIR relationships, communication and sexuality. That is why, I said, Marriage Counseling processes could be beneficial.
Recently I was contacted by N. that told me she had been in what she thought was a great marriage for several years. During those years her husband regularly spent usually 3 nights out every week that were “work related”. Eventually after several years N. grew suspicious of this behavior but was never able to catch him doing anything herself. Finally N. hired an investigator to follow him. The findings were that he would drive around all night and talk to many different women.
N. confronted her husband about his behavior and he confessed “I had been an exhibitionist for 20 years.” N. was shocked by her husband’s revelation. She decided to stay in her marriage until she recently felt like she had done everything she could to try to hold it together.
During the year since she confronted her husband they had tried very hard, together in the beginning, to make it work; they had attended local Marriage Counseling. However, after a few counseling sessions and support meetings her husband had quit going to the counseling session. “Dealing only with my problem cured me”, he said. Since the end of their Marriage Counseling sessions together there had been a few very suspicious occasions. The husband of course denied anything happened each time.
In a state of despair N. came to me and advised me: “I feel like he is a pervert.” This was eventually followed by her question: “Am I crazy to consider trying to go on with him at this point? Everyone in my life seems to think so”.
As a Psychologist I started thinking objectively. “What are the real issues occurring here?” N. of course was agitated and feeling despair about the whole situation but what was the underlying cause for it all. After a little more counseling time with N. it became obvious to me that the biggest issue for HER was the issue of trust. It seemed she felt she couldn’t truly trust her partner anymore. Trust is of course key in any relationship. But what was HIS issue?
It is my habit to finalize the initial Online Marriage Counseling session with a clear expression of my opinion at this particular time: it seems to me that his behavior is more of a Marriage issue than a Sexual deviant counseling topic. I further explained that what they really both needed was renewed Marriage Counseling; not just individual sex counseling for him. Actually, by keeping his behavior hidden, I suggested, he tried to save your marriage… Could it be that your husband did not trust you as a good listener for his relationship, erotic and sexual needs? This was indeed a suggestion and a way of understanding the issue that she never took it as worthwhile to consider.
The other theme that I advised to look at was the ‘motivation factor’: you need to let HIM make the effort of trying to rebuild the relationship, by dealing with his needs and sexual aspirations with you, I suggested. Either he agrees to start intensive and serious marriage counseling - or send him out of this marriage. I advised N. that she should not be the one putting forth all the effort.
The last issue in our initial session was the reservations due to the past attempt to solve the difficulty. They have tried Marriage Counseling in the past. I therefore explained that the previous effort went to a wrong direction – HIS deviance, and not THEIR relationships, communication and sexuality. That is why, I said, Marriage Counseling processes could be beneficial.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Career Online Counseling that Turned into a Small Business Advice
Sometimes through Online Counseling people don’t always “like” the advice they’re given.
This was the case recently with M., a 31 year old professional saleswoman who had a small high end sheep leather coats import company. M. had recently lost here dream contract in early 2008 doing ‘big business’ with a nationally known prestigious clothing store. Since that time she had moved around a bit job-wise and slowly gotten herself into debt.
At the time when I starting communicating with her she had reached the point where she was willing to work part time for others, in a commission only based job. She was currently four months behind on her rent and was exhibiting the beginning stages of clinical depression.
M. lived in New York City by herself, most of her friends and family lived overseas. She did have a few friends in the area but she hadn’t seen very much of them recently because in her own words: “What friends I do have here, I rarely see anymore as I have withdrawn into my apartment. A typical weekend for me will be to stay up all night Friday night only to sleep for the next two days consecutively until I have to return to work on Monday.”
Through our introductory Online Counseling session M. revealed that she was falling into a type of depression and having all sorts of strange dreams whilst sleeping (12-14 hours). She could not afford health care at this time and did not know what she was going to do financially. The weekend she had contacted me she had simply decided to discontinue eating and stated that she, “did not even feel that hungry anymore.” It was later revealed that she had also been engaging in other activities that pointed to sings of her depression. She showed signs of drinking binges beyond socially acceptable standards; there were also some concerns about promiscuity (with one of her potential client).
I assessed that M.’s life was spiraling out of control and the things that provided her with a feeling of self worth i.e. her job, her apartment, her standard of living in general - were all dropping significantly. She was trying to get past these difficult times and just reached the point where she did not know what to do.
Three Online Counseling sessions were needed in order to formulate my assessment and professional advice; generally speaking, I appreciate someone who is having a true awareness about him / herself and wants to take the right steps - and she falls into this group.
I had the feeling that M. is having 'an o.k. personality’ and therefore is capable of getting through the current situation, if major changes would occur in four domains:
A. Drinking should be a definite target for a change in her life.
B. Job and Business re-structuring: This economy has no room for many high end products; leather sheep coats are definitely within the heavily affected range. Use your sales ability, and move into another area. You are good in that line, so do high commission jobs.
C. Love / Sex / Relationships - no more and never again with clients or potential clients. Adopt therefore another mission: to look inward for your 'self assets' and thereafter outward, to find the right one.
D. New business location - no chance in NYC. Costs are too high and market trends are alarming. You are single, I told her, with no real supportive social circle around your location. Transform this “negative asset” into a big “plus” and move int to a growing areas, economy wise. Neither you nor I are going to produce miracles that would beat the economy trend. Since I'm not a magician, only a professional, I could see no reason to support an effort to swim against the stream when she could float on it instead.
So the strategy is:
- Look for another business and or job, elsewhere in the US.
- Establish a new 'you' - no drinking, financial responsibility and healthy relationships.
M. questioned me on the necessity to move out of New York; she was slightly agitated by my recommendation. Our Online Counseling work has ended; the Small Business Advice I could give her was left untouched.
This was the case recently with M., a 31 year old professional saleswoman who had a small high end sheep leather coats import company. M. had recently lost here dream contract in early 2008 doing ‘big business’ with a nationally known prestigious clothing store. Since that time she had moved around a bit job-wise and slowly gotten herself into debt.
At the time when I starting communicating with her she had reached the point where she was willing to work part time for others, in a commission only based job. She was currently four months behind on her rent and was exhibiting the beginning stages of clinical depression.
M. lived in New York City by herself, most of her friends and family lived overseas. She did have a few friends in the area but she hadn’t seen very much of them recently because in her own words: “What friends I do have here, I rarely see anymore as I have withdrawn into my apartment. A typical weekend for me will be to stay up all night Friday night only to sleep for the next two days consecutively until I have to return to work on Monday.”
Through our introductory Online Counseling session M. revealed that she was falling into a type of depression and having all sorts of strange dreams whilst sleeping (12-14 hours). She could not afford health care at this time and did not know what she was going to do financially. The weekend she had contacted me she had simply decided to discontinue eating and stated that she, “did not even feel that hungry anymore.” It was later revealed that she had also been engaging in other activities that pointed to sings of her depression. She showed signs of drinking binges beyond socially acceptable standards; there were also some concerns about promiscuity (with one of her potential client).
I assessed that M.’s life was spiraling out of control and the things that provided her with a feeling of self worth i.e. her job, her apartment, her standard of living in general - were all dropping significantly. She was trying to get past these difficult times and just reached the point where she did not know what to do.
Three Online Counseling sessions were needed in order to formulate my assessment and professional advice; generally speaking, I appreciate someone who is having a true awareness about him / herself and wants to take the right steps - and she falls into this group.
I had the feeling that M. is having 'an o.k. personality’ and therefore is capable of getting through the current situation, if major changes would occur in four domains:
A. Drinking should be a definite target for a change in her life.
B. Job and Business re-structuring: This economy has no room for many high end products; leather sheep coats are definitely within the heavily affected range. Use your sales ability, and move into another area. You are good in that line, so do high commission jobs.
C. Love / Sex / Relationships - no more and never again with clients or potential clients. Adopt therefore another mission: to look inward for your 'self assets' and thereafter outward, to find the right one.
D. New business location - no chance in NYC. Costs are too high and market trends are alarming. You are single, I told her, with no real supportive social circle around your location. Transform this “negative asset” into a big “plus” and move int to a growing areas, economy wise. Neither you nor I are going to produce miracles that would beat the economy trend. Since I'm not a magician, only a professional, I could see no reason to support an effort to swim against the stream when she could float on it instead.
So the strategy is:
- Look for another business and or job, elsewhere in the US.
- Establish a new 'you' - no drinking, financial responsibility and healthy relationships.
M. questioned me on the necessity to move out of New York; she was slightly agitated by my recommendation. Our Online Counseling work has ended; the Small Business Advice I could give her was left untouched.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Overactive Libido: Online Counseling Was Called For
A Case Summary: Overactive Libido
G. a recently married (for 7 months) young woman, approached my Online Counseling service since she was having issues dealing with her partner's constant desire for intimate companionship as well as his personal insecurities.
During our introductory session G. informed me that "He constantly badgers me about sex; we are intimate at least twice a week but it's not enough for him. He constantly sends me emails at work about wanting to see me naked or wanting to be intimate with me… when we're at home alone it's all he talks about." "It's gotten to the point where he can't even hug me without touching me in a sexual way and when I try to talk to him about it he takes it as rejection and just seems to shut down.
A different, very scary but related issue was then added: G told me that recently his adopted daughter had accused him of doing some 'horrible things' to her as a child. She was bothered and reflected that it definitely had affected their intimate relationship.
G. became very insecure and that was the underlying reason behind turning to seek a professional opinion: "I'm starting to wonder if what his daughter said is true…"
I started off by advising G. that a strong libido and continuous urge for frequent sex with a spouse does not necessarily indicate pathology or any other 'abnormal misbehavior'. Nevertheless, it clearly does create a lot of tension if the spouse's 'Tempos' are at different levels. Marriage Counseling therefore was called for, accompanied with individual sessions about personal and sexual issues. There was no "Quick Fix" type of a response for her since her issue involved both different value systems regarding affection and intimacy as well as unclear accusations regarding the past.
As a professional I could not comment on the adopted daughter's accusations, since there were no supportive information that I had an access to. Nevertheless, I did put my expertise to work there, informing her to be aware that things like that do happen, regardless of the male's intense sexual desire for his adult partner.
The Online Marriage Counseling process started to be effective in this case once we touched the issues that were causing the anxiety in their relationship: lack of proper communication, prior misinformed 'stories' about men and general inhibition regarding sexuality.
G. a recently married (for 7 months) young woman, approached my Online Counseling service since she was having issues dealing with her partner's constant desire for intimate companionship as well as his personal insecurities.
During our introductory session G. informed me that "He constantly badgers me about sex; we are intimate at least twice a week but it's not enough for him. He constantly sends me emails at work about wanting to see me naked or wanting to be intimate with me… when we're at home alone it's all he talks about." "It's gotten to the point where he can't even hug me without touching me in a sexual way and when I try to talk to him about it he takes it as rejection and just seems to shut down.
A different, very scary but related issue was then added: G told me that recently his adopted daughter had accused him of doing some 'horrible things' to her as a child. She was bothered and reflected that it definitely had affected their intimate relationship.
G. became very insecure and that was the underlying reason behind turning to seek a professional opinion: "I'm starting to wonder if what his daughter said is true…"
I started off by advising G. that a strong libido and continuous urge for frequent sex with a spouse does not necessarily indicate pathology or any other 'abnormal misbehavior'. Nevertheless, it clearly does create a lot of tension if the spouse's 'Tempos' are at different levels. Marriage Counseling therefore was called for, accompanied with individual sessions about personal and sexual issues. There was no "Quick Fix" type of a response for her since her issue involved both different value systems regarding affection and intimacy as well as unclear accusations regarding the past.
As a professional I could not comment on the adopted daughter's accusations, since there were no supportive information that I had an access to. Nevertheless, I did put my expertise to work there, informing her to be aware that things like that do happen, regardless of the male's intense sexual desire for his adult partner.
The Online Marriage Counseling process started to be effective in this case once we touched the issues that were causing the anxiety in their relationship: lack of proper communication, prior misinformed 'stories' about men and general inhibition regarding sexuality.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Online Counseling Processes for Troubled Marriage
This case study summarizes an example of individual and couple's marriage Online Counseling processes.
The process of Online Counseling starts with you, I informed J., my client; not with your husband. I was trying not to add to her sorrow, stress and anger by saying this and assured her that I was in no way implying that what she did for her "family's sake" was incorrect.
I simply advised that before she could set things right for her husband or family, J. needed to situate things right with herself first.
Through our first session it became obvious that J's anger and confusion over the memory of the event was still there. The story is about a loving mother and wife that recently discovered that her husband (of 33 years) had been unfaithful. In her own words: "For the family's sake, I accepted his apology and promise that it would never happen again." She therefore encouraged her daughters to give him a second chance. This had all occurred about two months ago and things seemed to be back to normal in her household. Except that J. just couldn't forget that he had cheated on her.
J. started her Online Counseling sessions since she was worried, over anxious and stressed about whether she could truly trust her husband again and was concerned about being hurt again. Another issue was her fear regarding setting a poor example of tolerance for her daughters to follow in.
My experience with situations like hers showed that a period of about 2-3 sessions of Online Counseling was normally enough for most clients to move into a new and better sustainable place for their relationship, as they start to reflect on their own behavior and take responsibility for their part of the marriage that brought the spouse to react as they did.
It was easy for me first to address HER concerns for her daughters during our first Online Counseling session. I decided to share with her MY concern: she focused on repairing her family relationship prior taking the time to begin her own personal healing. I let her know my feelings: she appeared to have been re-acting to her situation instead of dealing with it.
Psychologically speaking, I explained, it is easy to choose retaliation in time of stress, shame and anger. I did not hide my impression that she reacted to the situation by (unfortunately) making the mistake of pulling her children into the marital issues and therefore complicating things even more.
The Online Counseling process with J. confirmed the old wisdom that psychological processes do not erase memories; they heal them. This is being done by zooming in on the "WHY" and examining the fundamental deteriorating factors. Only thereafter the Online Counseling process can deal with the "WHAT NEXT" question, which was addressed via five sessions of Couple Online Counseling.
.....................................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights. 204 W. Main St. Mechanicsburg, PA 17055 Tel: 717-943.0959 See www.dr-joseph.com for Online Counseling on Behavioral issues and www.dr-jo-consulting.com for management and small business advice issues.
online counseling
Small Business Advice
The process of Online Counseling starts with you, I informed J., my client; not with your husband. I was trying not to add to her sorrow, stress and anger by saying this and assured her that I was in no way implying that what she did for her "family's sake" was incorrect.
I simply advised that before she could set things right for her husband or family, J. needed to situate things right with herself first.
Through our first session it became obvious that J's anger and confusion over the memory of the event was still there. The story is about a loving mother and wife that recently discovered that her husband (of 33 years) had been unfaithful. In her own words: "For the family's sake, I accepted his apology and promise that it would never happen again." She therefore encouraged her daughters to give him a second chance. This had all occurred about two months ago and things seemed to be back to normal in her household. Except that J. just couldn't forget that he had cheated on her.
J. started her Online Counseling sessions since she was worried, over anxious and stressed about whether she could truly trust her husband again and was concerned about being hurt again. Another issue was her fear regarding setting a poor example of tolerance for her daughters to follow in.
My experience with situations like hers showed that a period of about 2-3 sessions of Online Counseling was normally enough for most clients to move into a new and better sustainable place for their relationship, as they start to reflect on their own behavior and take responsibility for their part of the marriage that brought the spouse to react as they did.
It was easy for me first to address HER concerns for her daughters during our first Online Counseling session. I decided to share with her MY concern: she focused on repairing her family relationship prior taking the time to begin her own personal healing. I let her know my feelings: she appeared to have been re-acting to her situation instead of dealing with it.
Psychologically speaking, I explained, it is easy to choose retaliation in time of stress, shame and anger. I did not hide my impression that she reacted to the situation by (unfortunately) making the mistake of pulling her children into the marital issues and therefore complicating things even more.
The Online Counseling process with J. confirmed the old wisdom that psychological processes do not erase memories; they heal them. This is being done by zooming in on the "WHY" and examining the fundamental deteriorating factors. Only thereafter the Online Counseling process can deal with the "WHAT NEXT" question, which was addressed via five sessions of Couple Online Counseling.
.....................................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights. 204 W. Main St. Mechanicsburg, PA 17055 Tel: 717-943.0959 See www.dr-joseph.com for Online Counseling on Behavioral issues and www.dr-jo-consulting.com for management and small business advice issues.
online counseling
Small Business Advice
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