This case study summarizes an example of individual and couple's marriage Online Counseling processes.
The process of Online Counseling starts with you, I informed J., my client; not with your husband. I was trying not to add to her sorrow, stress and anger by saying this and assured her that I was in no way implying that what she did for her "family's sake" was incorrect.
I simply advised that before she could set things right for her husband or family, J. needed to situate things right with herself first.
Through our first session it became obvious that J's anger and confusion over the memory of the event was still there. The story is about a loving mother and wife that recently discovered that her husband (of 33 years) had been unfaithful. In her own words: "For the family's sake, I accepted his apology and promise that it would never happen again." She therefore encouraged her daughters to give him a second chance. This had all occurred about two months ago and things seemed to be back to normal in her household. Except that J. just couldn't forget that he had cheated on her.
J. started her Online Counseling sessions since she was worried, over anxious and stressed about whether she could truly trust her husband again and was concerned about being hurt again. Another issue was her fear regarding setting a poor example of tolerance for her daughters to follow in.
My experience with situations like hers showed that a period of about 2-3 sessions of Online Counseling was normally enough for most clients to move into a new and better sustainable place for their relationship, as they start to reflect on their own behavior and take responsibility for their part of the marriage that brought the spouse to react as they did.
It was easy for me first to address HER concerns for her daughters during our first Online Counseling session. I decided to share with her MY concern: she focused on repairing her family relationship prior taking the time to begin her own personal healing. I let her know my feelings: she appeared to have been re-acting to her situation instead of dealing with it.
Psychologically speaking, I explained, it is easy to choose retaliation in time of stress, shame and anger. I did not hide my impression that she reacted to the situation by (unfortunately) making the mistake of pulling her children into the marital issues and therefore complicating things even more.
The Online Counseling process with J. confirmed the old wisdom that psychological processes do not erase memories; they heal them. This is being done by zooming in on the "WHY" and examining the fundamental deteriorating factors. Only thereafter the Online Counseling process can deal with the "WHAT NEXT" question, which was addressed via five sessions of Couple Online Counseling.
.....................................................
Dr. Joseph Abraham, Director, Center for Human Growth and Business Insights. 204 W. Main St. Mechanicsburg, PA 17055 Tel: 717-943.0959 See www.dr-joseph.com for Online Counseling on Behavioral issues and www.dr-jo-consulting.com for management and small business advice issues.
online counseling
Small Business Advice
Friday, April 17, 2009
Friday, July 18, 2008
Online Counseling Summary: The Marriage Did Not Survive; But The Wife Was Saved
Online Counseling Summary: The Marriage Did Not Survive; But The Wife Was Saved
You may entitle this summary as an example of a successful Online Counseling rescue from domestic violence through the process of EMPOWERMENT.
At one point after four months of marriage, M. was puzzled, hurt and frightened. She had started a new job and gave her phone number to a male colleague also new and in training. When he called, one evening, her husband became furious. M. was gentle and willing to “compensate”, but his sexual behavior was close to violence. M. felt as a rape victim.
Later he checked her phone and found that she had returned a call to her co-worker. He accused her of ‘acting cheap’, said he couldn't trust her anymore, pulled from a hidden drawer some illegal drugs (his prior addiction) and walked out for several hours.
M. was stunned: not only from his abuse of her but his wedding promise not to abuse drugs!
M. recalled that while they were dating there were several social encounters in which she was embarrassed by her husband’s rude and controlling remarks regarding her supposedly staring at other men. He was very agitated, but not violent, she commented. She also admitted that her instincts were to protest, but her irrational fear from childhood memories about her father’s estrangement after a conflict with her mother, blocked all oppositions. And yes, M. feared canceling the wedding plans.
The last episode, was so alarming for her, it elicited a new fear, thoughts of divorce.
A good decision is born from a good assessment; the Online Counseling method was called for.
I first helped M. to tune to her feelings: she could not however compromise the love for her husband with his abuse behavior. Violence and drugs were not an option!
I then helped M. to assess the magnitude of the current problem. She realized that her work environment would always involve interactions with male co-workers. The more she would advance in her job, the more interactions she would have with co-workers thus more insecure and hostile her husband would be.
The next stage of my Online Counseling involvement was to create an action plan. I encouraged M. to talk with her husband about their need for family therapy. He refused. He also rejected her plea to join the online family help process with me.
M. therefore accepted my suggestion regarding a third alternative: to prepare, with many rehearsals, how to initiate a dialogue with her husband. When M. felt ready, she exchanged her views regarding values, expectations, norms and moral guidelines.
M. was not fearful any more. Her marriage had to be either re-defined and re-structured, or terminated.
Two weeks later they both filed for a non-consensual divorce. The Online Counseling process did not save the marriage; but M. was saved.
You may entitle this summary as an example of a successful Online Counseling rescue from domestic violence through the process of EMPOWERMENT.
At one point after four months of marriage, M. was puzzled, hurt and frightened. She had started a new job and gave her phone number to a male colleague also new and in training. When he called, one evening, her husband became furious. M. was gentle and willing to “compensate”, but his sexual behavior was close to violence. M. felt as a rape victim.
Later he checked her phone and found that she had returned a call to her co-worker. He accused her of ‘acting cheap’, said he couldn't trust her anymore, pulled from a hidden drawer some illegal drugs (his prior addiction) and walked out for several hours.
M. was stunned: not only from his abuse of her but his wedding promise not to abuse drugs!
M. recalled that while they were dating there were several social encounters in which she was embarrassed by her husband’s rude and controlling remarks regarding her supposedly staring at other men. He was very agitated, but not violent, she commented. She also admitted that her instincts were to protest, but her irrational fear from childhood memories about her father’s estrangement after a conflict with her mother, blocked all oppositions. And yes, M. feared canceling the wedding plans.
The last episode, was so alarming for her, it elicited a new fear, thoughts of divorce.
A good decision is born from a good assessment; the Online Counseling method was called for.
I first helped M. to tune to her feelings: she could not however compromise the love for her husband with his abuse behavior. Violence and drugs were not an option!
I then helped M. to assess the magnitude of the current problem. She realized that her work environment would always involve interactions with male co-workers. The more she would advance in her job, the more interactions she would have with co-workers thus more insecure and hostile her husband would be.
The next stage of my Online Counseling involvement was to create an action plan. I encouraged M. to talk with her husband about their need for family therapy. He refused. He also rejected her plea to join the online family help process with me.
M. therefore accepted my suggestion regarding a third alternative: to prepare, with many rehearsals, how to initiate a dialogue with her husband. When M. felt ready, she exchanged her views regarding values, expectations, norms and moral guidelines.
M. was not fearful any more. Her marriage had to be either re-defined and re-structured, or terminated.
Two weeks later they both filed for a non-consensual divorce. The Online Counseling process did not save the marriage; but M. was saved.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Online Counseling In Action: Assessing The Chances To Save The Marriage As "Low"
The Problem:
I just started a new job; in sharing a training class I exchanged phone numbers with two male classmates.
When they called, my husband became furious and very angry. Later he went through the phone bill and found out I called them. He said I was a liar and he couldn't trust me anymore.
My Reply:
It is easy to assess, even via short Online Counseling process, that your situation is not easy: you are married to whom you love, but you have realized that he is loaded with an 18th century attitude regarding women and a wife’s behavior in particular.
So be your own psychologist and do the assessment:
If your feeling is that this is insecurity due to an inferiority masculinity issue, use assurance, love and tenderness to work it out.
If you feel it is the old fashion male dominance and jealousy, use your senses and walk out; and the sooner the better.
Your current training activities and future career would not and should not accommodate such an attitude. You also do not want your possible children in the future to treat you and others in this manner. If you plan to leave the marriage, short term Online Counseling would definitely be helpful.
I just started a new job; in sharing a training class I exchanged phone numbers with two male classmates.
When they called, my husband became furious and very angry. Later he went through the phone bill and found out I called them. He said I was a liar and he couldn't trust me anymore.
My Reply:
It is easy to assess, even via short Online Counseling process, that your situation is not easy: you are married to whom you love, but you have realized that he is loaded with an 18th century attitude regarding women and a wife’s behavior in particular.
So be your own psychologist and do the assessment:
If your feeling is that this is insecurity due to an inferiority masculinity issue, use assurance, love and tenderness to work it out.
If you feel it is the old fashion male dominance and jealousy, use your senses and walk out; and the sooner the better.
Your current training activities and future career would not and should not accommodate such an attitude. You also do not want your possible children in the future to treat you and others in this manner. If you plan to leave the marriage, short term Online Counseling would definitely be helpful.
A Son Without a Father? Even Online Counseling Cannot Provide A Quick Fix
Question:
My son is now 4 years old and he has never questioned: Do I have a dad? Where is my dad?
The other day I heard him tell a friend that he didn't have a brother or a dad. My son’s father last saw him when he was 6 months old.
My heart broke. I didn't know what to say. Two days later I told him that even though he doesn't have a dad he has a mom who loves him and a granny and papa and cousins, aunts and uncles.
What should I tell him? Can a short Online Counseling help here?
My Reply:
Children should get accurate info only and based on their level of emotional and cognitive development. Examples could be helpful, and you may get them from time to time via the Online Counseling service. Furtheremore, wonderments with questions are always evolving and changing, so it is better to have an on-going relationship with a professional, in order to help find the proper communication that bests serve you, your child and the entire family members.
Good professional advice is based on family history, your son’s developmental stage, his options regarding future communication with his father and other psychological and procedural factors. These factors must be taken in account along the Online Counseling process.
My son is now 4 years old and he has never questioned: Do I have a dad? Where is my dad?
The other day I heard him tell a friend that he didn't have a brother or a dad. My son’s father last saw him when he was 6 months old.
My heart broke. I didn't know what to say. Two days later I told him that even though he doesn't have a dad he has a mom who loves him and a granny and papa and cousins, aunts and uncles.
What should I tell him? Can a short Online Counseling help here?
My Reply:
Children should get accurate info only and based on their level of emotional and cognitive development. Examples could be helpful, and you may get them from time to time via the Online Counseling service. Furtheremore, wonderments with questions are always evolving and changing, so it is better to have an on-going relationship with a professional, in order to help find the proper communication that bests serve you, your child and the entire family members.
Good professional advice is based on family history, your son’s developmental stage, his options regarding future communication with his father and other psychological and procedural factors. These factors must be taken in account along the Online Counseling process.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Small Business Advice About Leadership As A Job Stress Preventive Measure
Question:
I am a new asst. manager of a restaurant, and its not going very well. I assume I need what you call A Small Business Advice.
I have a staff of either very young girls or older women and I can't seem to find middle ground. The young girls like to laugh and have fun; the older women are very uptight. I need to get the older women to understand that I am in charge.
Please help me relay respect for me from the older women and to the younger ones to respect
their jobs.
My Answer:
First, please be assured that the main problem is not yours, but your manager’s.
You may take to her the following as a Small Business Advice that would motivate to do her job somewhat better:
1. Arrange a very detailed set of missions and assign who is responsible for each (could be a team). Specify levels of standards (quality) and ways of measuring the work / results. This is the MBO (Management By objectives) method. It does take some good hours!
2. Use the team approach in order to further refine the various chores. Let the staff be a partner of the plan. Support them in their input.
3. Build your own team, using well prepared weekly meetings (30-45 minutes).
Approach the business’ owner for a reasonable budget, regarding professional assistance in the above process. A real Small Business Advice requires time! Whatever I just specified sounds easy, but you ought to use a professional.
I am a new asst. manager of a restaurant, and its not going very well. I assume I need what you call A Small Business Advice.
I have a staff of either very young girls or older women and I can't seem to find middle ground. The young girls like to laugh and have fun; the older women are very uptight. I need to get the older women to understand that I am in charge.
Please help me relay respect for me from the older women and to the younger ones to respect
their jobs.
My Answer:
First, please be assured that the main problem is not yours, but your manager’s.
You may take to her the following as a Small Business Advice that would motivate to do her job somewhat better:
1. Arrange a very detailed set of missions and assign who is responsible for each (could be a team). Specify levels of standards (quality) and ways of measuring the work / results. This is the MBO (Management By objectives) method. It does take some good hours!
2. Use the team approach in order to further refine the various chores. Let the staff be a partner of the plan. Support them in their input.
3. Build your own team, using well prepared weekly meetings (30-45 minutes).
Approach the business’ owner for a reasonable budget, regarding professional assistance in the above process. A real Small Business Advice requires time! Whatever I just specified sounds easy, but you ought to use a professional.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Individual or Couple's Face To Face / Online Counseling?
In most cases of marriage problems I strongly advise both partners to join a couple's therapy process; either face to face, or via the Online Cou But there are always exceptions...
It all started with the following question:
My husband and I have been a couple for 10 years and married 6. We separated last month due to his affection for another woman.
We had twins 10 weeks premature; our son only lived 7 hours. Our daughter remained in "intensive care" for a month. During that time I never really grieved the loss of my son; I barely even cried. My time was spent making sure that our two older daughters were okay while I made daily trips to the hospital.
When our daughter came home we kept her in our bedroom until she was a year old. I was very over protective. On the home front I was not talking or spending much time with my husband I thought everything would be ok.
It wasn’t. He sought the affection and attention from another woman.
I still love my husband and he says he will always have feelings for me but just doesn't know that we will work. Do you see any hope? Do we need a face to face process or can get the help using Online Counseling?
My Reply:
The loss of your child is indeed a terrible tragedy.
After such an unfortunate loss the "after shock" events that negatively affect a relationship
are natural.
In your particular life situation however, it is safe to assume that there were other disturbing factors already present, prior to your recent pregnancy.
At this point my advice is to seek individual counseling before making a serious effort to
contact your husband. Online Counseling is the preffered method since it would be easyer to keep with (and less expensive). I assume that your emotional state needs comforting prior to any further steps. Focus first on your personal, and emotional strengths.
It all started with the following question:
My husband and I have been a couple for 10 years and married 6. We separated last month due to his affection for another woman.
We had twins 10 weeks premature; our son only lived 7 hours. Our daughter remained in "intensive care" for a month. During that time I never really grieved the loss of my son; I barely even cried. My time was spent making sure that our two older daughters were okay while I made daily trips to the hospital.
When our daughter came home we kept her in our bedroom until she was a year old. I was very over protective. On the home front I was not talking or spending much time with my husband I thought everything would be ok.
It wasn’t. He sought the affection and attention from another woman.
I still love my husband and he says he will always have feelings for me but just doesn't know that we will work. Do you see any hope? Do we need a face to face process or can get the help using Online Counseling?
My Reply:
The loss of your child is indeed a terrible tragedy.
After such an unfortunate loss the "after shock" events that negatively affect a relationship
are natural.
In your particular life situation however, it is safe to assume that there were other disturbing factors already present, prior to your recent pregnancy.
At this point my advice is to seek individual counseling before making a serious effort to
contact your husband. Online Counseling is the preffered method since it would be easyer to keep with (and less expensive). I assume that your emotional state needs comforting prior to any further steps. Focus first on your personal, and emotional strengths.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Break Up Is Hearting; Effective Online Counseling May Be The Learning Opportunity
Question:
I dated my girlfriend for almost 6 months.
One day, she told me she wanted a break. I a waited a few days, and then called her. She replied by saying 'I don’t feel the same way about you that you do about me, and that’s not fair to you.' I waited about a month and asked if there was anything I could have done differently. She said 'no, there was nothing you could have done; I just didn’t feel the same way'.
This was a weird breakup for me. 2 weeks before it ended, she was telling me she had all these feelings for me. Why would she tell me that, and then end it 2 weeks later?
I tried so hard to talk to her after she ended it, but she refused. Is there a reason for that?
I’m not sure if these 2 things had an effect: first, I still hadn’t told her yet that I loved her, even though I did. Also, I still hadn’t invited her to meet my family yet (I met hers).
Maybe I wasn’t moving fast enough for her? I had asked her to move in with me, and she only said 'maybe'.
We are both 25.
Do you see anything here which tells you anything? I Assume I need some professional help; can your Online Counseling be effective in my situation?
My reply:
I’ll start with general remarks about dating and relationship building, and thereafter will give you some specific feedback impressions; and yes, Online Counseling can be very effective in your situation.
Generally speaking, the one sided love situation is indeed possible, due to many reasons; personality differences, lack of sexual harmony, different status and background are just a few. Therefore you should not take whatever happened to you as result of you being late (maybe I wasn’t moving fast enough for her?).
Also, just persuasion is not going to create love since this human phenomena is not a rational entity, so do not get discouraged due to your lack of success (I tried so hard to talk to her after she ended it, but she refused).
And the specific feedback:
1. be more emotionally open (I still hadn’t told her yet that I loved her),
2. be reciprocal (I still hadn’t invited her to meet my family yet),
3. learn how to ‘read’ social interactions and others’ feelings (this was a weird breakup for me).
The above three remarks take me to my recommendation: spend some time, emotional resources and even financial ones to get professional guidance in order to better prepare yourself for the coming relationship(s). Online Counseling can be very effective in your situation.
I dated my girlfriend for almost 6 months.
One day, she told me she wanted a break. I a waited a few days, and then called her. She replied by saying 'I don’t feel the same way about you that you do about me, and that’s not fair to you.' I waited about a month and asked if there was anything I could have done differently. She said 'no, there was nothing you could have done; I just didn’t feel the same way'.
This was a weird breakup for me. 2 weeks before it ended, she was telling me she had all these feelings for me. Why would she tell me that, and then end it 2 weeks later?
I tried so hard to talk to her after she ended it, but she refused. Is there a reason for that?
I’m not sure if these 2 things had an effect: first, I still hadn’t told her yet that I loved her, even though I did. Also, I still hadn’t invited her to meet my family yet (I met hers).
Maybe I wasn’t moving fast enough for her? I had asked her to move in with me, and she only said 'maybe'.
We are both 25.
Do you see anything here which tells you anything? I Assume I need some professional help; can your Online Counseling be effective in my situation?
My reply:
I’ll start with general remarks about dating and relationship building, and thereafter will give you some specific feedback impressions; and yes, Online Counseling can be very effective in your situation.
Generally speaking, the one sided love situation is indeed possible, due to many reasons; personality differences, lack of sexual harmony, different status and background are just a few. Therefore you should not take whatever happened to you as result of you being late (maybe I wasn’t moving fast enough for her?).
Also, just persuasion is not going to create love since this human phenomena is not a rational entity, so do not get discouraged due to your lack of success (I tried so hard to talk to her after she ended it, but she refused).
And the specific feedback:
1. be more emotionally open (I still hadn’t told her yet that I loved her),
2. be reciprocal (I still hadn’t invited her to meet my family yet),
3. learn how to ‘read’ social interactions and others’ feelings (this was a weird breakup for me).
The above three remarks take me to my recommendation: spend some time, emotional resources and even financial ones to get professional guidance in order to better prepare yourself for the coming relationship(s). Online Counseling can be very effective in your situation.
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